My Journey

A Tale of Two Climbs

2011-06-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

Captainsblog: Stardate 64913.7 (thought I grew tired of that.. didn't ya!)

In November of 2008 - approximately 6 months prior to my surgery, my partner and I went to Saugatuck Michigan for the weekend. A friend had given us a gift certificate for a B & B there, which we utilized, and had a marvelous time. Saugatuck is a great place, very artsy and lots of neat things to do. One of those neat things is that that you can climb Mt. Baldhead. Mt Baldhead is a tree covered sand dune which rises from 560 ft. above sea level to 800 ft at its highest point. If you go down on the opposite side from that which you climbed up, you'll be on the shore of Lake Michigan. There have been stairs ascending Mt. Baldhead since the early 1900s. The set of stairs we climbed in 2008 had been there since the 1950s. They were rather worn, but still sturdy-ish. Jen and I tacked the climb as we wanted to see the view. As we began to ascent, my heart began to pound, each riser, each landing, made me doubt my ability to make it to the top. But I am STUBBORN... kept going. I felt lightheaded, my hips were screaming, my heart pounded. I remember thinking, "this is the stuff that heart attacks ware made of!" At one point, I did consider stopping, but just about then, a 20 something couple went zipping past me and I thought "oh HELL no" and was determined to make it to the top, which I eventually did. We rested at the top for a while before coming back down. Jen told me that she worried about me, and that I hadn't looked good, she was afraid I was going to have a heart attack or something the way I looked. With her training and experience as a firefighter and 1st responder, I didn't take that lightly. It was two or three weeks after that climb, that I decided to have bariatric surgery. The left half of the picture below was taken at the top of Mt. Baldhead after I caught my breath somewhat, on that first climb. The right half was taken a few days ago.

Fast forward 2 1/2 years. We again went to Saugatuck, this time with one of the express purposes being, that I wanted to tackle Mt. Baldhead, and kick its ass, as opposed to it nearly doing me in. We were surprised to see that a new set of steps had been built, still numbering 282 to reach the summit. I read online that it cost $99,990 to replace the steps.

This is a view of the steps, from the bottom, even now, looking up made me think "holy shit!" but I was resolved to do it, and was also confident that I could do it without endangering my life. So up we went! We stopped for a breather a few times, but we made it. I didn't feel dangerously winded or have the feeling of impending doom I experienced on the last time up. It was a breathtaking experience, but this time, it was the VIEW that took my breath away... not the climb!

Year Two Goal: Climb Mt. Baldhead - Check ✓

Thanks for hanging with me my friends... peace OUT! ✌

Year 2 in Review

2011-06-04T21:37:00.000-07:00

Its kinda hard to comprehend that it has been 2 years! This is a good time to look at my goals for year 2, and set new goals for year 3!

My Year 2 goals were:

Climb a rock wall - I have not encountered a rock wall, so sadly... no

Run - just see if I can... you know... run! - Check ✓

Get a good bike - and ride regularly... building up to longer distances - Check ✓

Climb Mt. Baldhead in Douglas Michigan - that trip will happen this summer :-)

Climb Tower Hill at Warren Dunes State Park - Check ✓

I feel pretty good about the progress I made on the year 2 goals, I wish had achieved them all, but this is not bout perfection, its a work in progress, just like me. So here's to year 3, and some more goal setting.

Keep up this blog better!
Take a spin class
Integrate more exercise into my hectic schedule - might help with that whole extra skin around the middle thing, I have going on - LOL!
Climb a rock wall (carryover from year 2)
Complete a century bike ride!
Tackle Mt. Baldhead (carryover from year 2)
Get more creative with my food choices within the given parameters - I'm kinda in a rut - meat, cheese, eggs (and then repeat)
Get more SLEEP!

Speaking of that last one, I'm outta here, thanx for keeping up with me my friends!

Measuring Success...

2011-03-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

Holy Crap, it's been a long time since I've been here! Life gets away from me, just like everyone else, I guess. I've been in a stuck place all winter, less opportunities to exercise... sure, but I gotta OWN it... less motivation to exercise. I guess I've been channeling my inner bear... and just hibernating through the cold & snowy months. At present I'm about 25 pounds over the very first goal I set, but about 15 from my "reality goal." My provider told me that I'd be totin 5 - 10 pounds of extra skin unless I had it lopped off, so I set a "reality goal." I am trying as some very wise people have been telling me to not focus on the number on the scale, but look at where I am, and where I've been. I've had many of my peeps ask me, if I wanted to lose more, and when I respond that I'd love to lose 10 or 15 more... their brows furrow... and they ask me if it will make me feel better (like healthy wise) and I admit, that it may not make that much of a difference. "Then WHY... you look GREAT!" is the usual response. I guess it probably IS just a numbers thing. Unless I have it surgically removed (not going to happen) I'll always have my "spare tire" of extra skin, so I'll never have a striking hourglass figure... and I really don't care. Beauty is within, and even external beauty is defined BROADLY in my world view. Some of the most awesome people I know do not conform to the bullshit "ideal" of beauty in our society. And it's not just that I love these people, but they are active and vital and live in a good way. So my goal this spring is to get back into a more active mode, to ride my bike, to hike and whatever else presents itself. If increased activity help with those last few pounds... great... but if not... that really is OKAY!

I know some other folks who have had bariatric surgery and are various distances on their respective journeys. I see some of those folks engaging in habits that scare me to death... the food choices, the amounts... scare me. I didn't go through all I have been through thus far to go back to that place. I have a friend who counsels people who struggle with food related issues, and she told me that I am only the second person she has known, who she considers a bariatric success story, who hasn't fallen back into the pit of destructive food behaviors. That scares me too! But this is a healthy fear, and a useful one. It keeps me on track!

I KNOW I am not going back to where I was... that is the important thing here... I guess I need to remind myself of that from time to time, and quit spazzing about numbers. I thought I'd include this pic. My bariatric provider has me as their poster child on the binders they give to patients now... and looking at the 2 pics, even blows ME away! So yeah, really... I'm doing just FINE!

Keepin' it real my peeps!

Lynn

Stress Eating

2010-11-19T08:09:00.000-08:00

Captainsblog... Stardate: 64349.7

It's been a while since I've blogged, and a lot has happened since that last post. Life took a very stressful turn in October. The loss of my Grandson in childbirth threw me into a huge tailspin. It is hard to adequately describe those feelings. I feel helpless... my family is hurting and I can't make it better. I just hurt... I mourn for those experiences we never got to share... those first steps, and first words and walking in the woods together. I know that Kaiden is in a place with his Creator and his ancestors... but that doesn't keep from recognizing that the situation sucks! I am blessed that I have such an amazingly supportive partner, family and circle of friends. Our church family has been a huge blessing as well. But there are days... awash in pain and a feeling of helplessness I turn to my old friend - food - for comfort. Now I can't just go mow down a candy bar ... or down a milkshake (no matter how much I'd LIKE to)... that would just make me sick... but I do find myself munching when I don't need to. Eating things like chex mix that while not the absolutely worst choice... its not a great one either. Eating not because I am hungry - eating because I am stressed... and that is a LONG established pattern. So now... I am examining those things and have refocused myself on getting lots of lean protein, and eating fruit for snacks and so forth and just not buying any of that filler crap that does not meet my nutritional needs.

Trying to pull it together...

Peace-out my peeps

A Whole Other Country

2010-09-23T06:17:00.000-07:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 64193.3

Okay so it's been 15 months since I began this journey, time to take stock. So much has changed. There are the obvious physical changes, but there are some not so obvious ones too. I never felt that I was a person who was downtrodden by their excess weight to the point of not engaging with society and being a hermit. However I do see that I am more confident as I move through this world now. I think that some of that is because the physical reality of literally moving in this world is easier. There were times before when went into a store for example, if the layout was not conducive to my navigating without fear of inadvertently knocking something over lets say, that I had to be much more deliberate about my movements in that environment. That is not as much of an issue these days. Also, I've always had (but certainly not always displayed) an attitude of "this is me, deal with it." I did spend part of my life where wondering how I was being judged by someone due to my size, led me to keep that attitude in check. Other factors such as living with an oppressive person contributed to the manner in which I dealt with life. Not these days... it's WYSIWYG all the way baby! If someone doesn't like the person they see in me, that's pretty much their problem, I won't own that any more. Some people may see that as smugness, but it is truly not. I call it integrity. I believe that how I am, the person I am inside, is who Creator made me to be, I make no apologies for that, and believe that to deny that person a space in the world, would be going against Creator's plan for me. So yeah, that whole keeping quiet, squelching myself to avoid rocking someone ELSE'S boat... been there, done that, got the T-shirt (an XXXL). Other factors certainly contributed to my former mode of being in this world, and I continue to process them... I am finding my way. Here's the contrast pic du jour:

My daughter says when she sees the pic on the right she hears the song "I've Got a New AttiTUDE"... I guess that's about right.

As I walk my path today and look around.. the scenery looks so different, its like a whole other country! What has not changed, is the love and support of my wonderful peeps. My family and friends, are an incredibly gifted bunch of folks, who truly see people for who they are and do not judge folks on the superficial qualities that some folks do. It is by walking alongside the people in my circle, that enables me to explore, and enjoy this world.

Chii Migwetch to you all... you KNOW who you are!

Size Matters, but WHY?

2010-09-22T06:25:00.000-07:00

The media blatantly and unapologetically presents a very skewed image of health and beauty. The average model is almost 6 feet tall and has a BMI of 17% or less. According to health and wellness guidelines a person of that body composition is underweight to severely underweight, and yet in our society we are bombarded with messages that tell us this anorexic “ideal” is what happy and successful people look like. The media certainly influences body image and how it shapes us as individuals; peer influence, family expectations and ethnocultural norms also have significant impact on how we see ourselves.

I am a formerly obese person. I have been on a journey to improved health for sometime now. Losing over 100 pounds has transformed my life in many ways, I’m healthier, I have more stamina and I more actively engaged in my life. All of these things are wonderful! I have noticed something else though, something that is really pissing me off! As my weight loss progressed, somewhere along the line my cloaking device disengaged. Imagine my surprise as I approach the entrance to Starbucks recently, and the door was opened for me. I should be thrilled right? I’m not thrilled. I’m totally pissed! Why is it, that now I am deserving of positive regard and common courtesy, when before my weight loss… for the most part, I was not?

Many people of size go through life unnoticed. Imagine the pain of being on a bus, or in line at the grocery store and having people either avert their eyes, look at you with disdain, or worse take no notice of you whatsoever. Being treated with disrespect is inappropriate and painful, but disregard is worse. Disrespect is a form of acknowledgement, albeit negative. Disregard however is more damaging as it communicates that a person is not worthy of notice or acknowledgement of any kind. There is this perception that people of size are lazy, self-indulgent, and completely lacking in motivation. What is worse is that people of size are routinely blamed for their weight-related challenges, regardless of their struggles to overcome them.

It’s not just a case of doors being opened; I no longer have experiences like this one: Several years ago a friend and I were shopping for a bridal shower gift for a mutual friend. As we entered the lingerie store and had just begun to browse the merchandise a sales girl approached us. Instead of the usual “may I help you” she greeted us with “oh, we don’t have anything in YOUR size here, you might want to go shop at the big girl store!” The sales girl stood with her arms folded and looked at us with clear disgust. It was also clear that she wanted us to leave. We were making her uncomfortable. We let her know how we felt about her customer service skills in no uncertain terms, and left the store. People of size have experiences like this on a daily basis. Airline seats, turnstiles, and restaurant seating present real challenges for people whose body conformation exceeds the allotted space. Dealing with the accumulated pain of such encounters can cause a person to gradually disengage from the world.

Although I have been on this journey toward improved health, I want to be quite clear that I do not feel that all people of size must transform themselves as I have. My choice was just that… mine. I made my choice for my own specific reasons, not so I could suddenly be regarded as worthy in the eyes of my fellow human beings.

As a society we need to challenge our perceptions of people of size. It starts by examining our own biases. Ask yourself “do I make weight based assumptions regarding a person’s character, intelligence, professional success, or health?” We need to identify and confront our own biases, develop empathy, and work to address the needs and concerns of people of size.

Small changes can have such a great impact. Look for changes that you can make. Do you own a business? Create an open and welcoming environment with large, armless chairs in waiting rooms and common areas, which accommodate a variety of body sizes. These friendly furnishings are also very handy for a person with an infant in a carrier or a person with mobility limitations. Make a point, to interact with all kinds of people, push your current boundaries.

I want the world to treat me as a person first. I am a person with gifts to share and contributions to make, a person with hopes and dreams, a person of worth. As a person of size, I wanted that too… just to be perceived as a human being, who contributes to our collective earthly experience and who is deserving of positive regard and common courtesy. Doesn’t seem too much to ask.

Now THAT's a Switch

2010-09-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 64174.9

As most of you know, I spend a LOT of time with a camera in my hand. It is a form of creative expression for me, and a form of solace. The fact that I also supplement my income as a portrait photographer does not take away from the joy that I experience with my camera. People ask me when looking at images I have created from trips etc, why I am not in them. I always say that I am MUCH more comfortable on the other side of the camera. That is still true. However, I have had some recent opportunities to be the subject as opposed to the photographer and it has helped me to see myself a little differently. I still see myself as a larger type person... like when I shop for clothes, I gravitate to the "big girl" section first, and to blousier styles first. It takes a bit of courage to try stuff on that is more fitted. I tried on a petite the other day and although it didnt really "work" for me... I had it ON... who knew?! I'm taking part in a marketing campaign for my bariatric provider as one of their success stories. There's a photo shoot tomorrow... I am a bit enrvous about the whole "in front of the camera" thing... so I'll let y'all know how that goes.

I am still 15 pounds shy of "goal" but am okay with where I am. If I make that goal... that'd be GGGRRREEEAAATTT but if not, it's all good. Manu Ganuh!

Conquering Goals

2010-08-05T20:58:00.000-07:00

Captainsblog: Stardate: 64060.7

I kicked another one of those second year goals this week. I went to Warren Dunes (my favorite summer place) on Monday. The first thing I did was to climb Tower Hill, I tackled it first because the sand was not 8 million degrees as it was still early. I made it to the top! I didn't feel like I was going to die or puke or anything (always a bonus). Okay so if you are not familiar, this is Tower Hill - which rises 263 feet above Lake Michigan. It may not LOOK like a serious challenge, but believe me, it's not exactly a walk in the park either! The last time I climbed Tower Hill was in 2002, I made it by sheer willpower and stubbornness, but I felt like my heart was going to explode and I had to rest MANY times going up, each time I almost went back down. My Son was in Marine Corps boot camp at the time and I missed him greatly. I took the kids to the dunes a lot as they were growing up. So I made myself make it to the top and rested a long time before going back down. This time, it was so much easier and I actually enjoyed it! It was such a hoot I actually PASSED teenagers, who were whining that they couldn't make it. I told them "if this old lady can make it... so can you! The second image is from the TOP of tower Hill. About a half an hour after this was taken, I was in the lake (heaven)!

I'm still cycling, still loving it! Today we rode the Nickel Plate Trail, 20 miles round trip... it was a sweet ride! Tomorrow I'm hitting the Pumpkinvine Trail. I love riding the rail trails, the only time you have deal with cars is when the trail crosses a road. So MUCH better than road riding!

Well I guess that's it for now... Peace out my peeps!

Well THAT was Fun!

2010-07-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

Captainsblog - Stardate:64001.9

An update on those goals...

Still cycling and loving it! The last couple of weeks have been very busy, between helping with childcare for my Granddaughter, taking a much needed "staycation" and coming back to work to some very long days, I have not ridden as much as I would like, but every time I do it feels GREAT! It is still hard for me to believe that I can ride for miles and miles and not feel like I am going to DIE!!! I am looking forward to and planning more cycling adventures. I'd love to do a multi day ride at some point too!
I've been to Warren Dunes and done a fair amount of swimming. And I have to say it is incredibly odd to swim without my long hair trailing around me - I always swam with it unfettered so it is a very different sensation, or lack thereof. (I haven't mentioned the hair since May, but I miss it a lot. I love my short hair, but miss my long hair at the same time) Sooo back to the dunes... I have yet to conquer Tower Hill - I'd rather do that on a day the sand is not 120 degrees!
Okay that running thing... I did that one day last week, just a short sprint and it went okay. I found that I CAN physically run. I'm just not a fan. Too much of my loose stuff flopping around to suit me, and too much impact on my poor hips, but I did it!
Have not wandered to Saugatuk to get reacquainted with Mt. Baldhead, or encountered a rock wall so those goals are in still waiting.

Can't think of anything else at present, so peace-out my peeps!

Hell on Wheels

2010-06-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63951.3

One of my year 2 goals was to get a decent bike and start riding... working to longer distances. Well I've now got the bike, a Trek 7100 - its a hybrid, and I LOVE it! I had been doing some random riding around my community, jaunts of 5 - 8 miles, no biggie, and having fun with that. Jen and I started investigating rail trails, and liked the idea. So last weekend we rode the "Panhandle Pathway" from Winamac Indiana to Star City Indiana, just 9 miles round trip, but very nice. I like the rail trails because you are not dodging traffic and they are mostly flat and very scenic. Yesterday we decided to tackle part of the Kal-Haven Trail which runs from Kalamazoo Michigan to South Haven Michigan. We started in South Haven - went to Bloomingdale (the 1/2 way point) and then back to South Haven for a round trip of 33.87 miles. I am thankful to my good friend Matt who has given us TONS of good advise, helped me select my bike and figured out what size I needed. Matt also helped me select a good women's specific saddle (from the Body Geometry line of products by Specialized). Would it be inappropriate to tell him that my butt thanks him??? That saddle made SUCH a difference. We rode the 32+ miles and we made it, we were tired, but not "OMG I think I'm gunna die" tired. We are planning on doing a ride at the end of July that is 68 miles (one way). In talking to Matt, he told us that when doing long, multi day rides, the worst part is getting back in the saddle as it were, on day 2. So today we decided to hit the Pumpkin Vine Trail in Goshen Indiana (10.2 miles round trip) to see how we would do. The first mile my butt was like "uh, NOOOOO, get me off of this thing right NOW" and just above my knees were screaming "what the *&^%$ do you think you're DOING??" But after another mile or 2, they loosened up and the ride was great. My 1st post on this blog that talked about riding a bike was when I was 8 weeks post op, not quite a year ago. I was crowing that I had managed to ride 3 miles, and that was a great accomplishment given where I was. I never would have DREAMED I could ride over 30 miles! It is an amazing feeling to be able to do that! So onward and upward, racking up miles to longer rides, in preparation for the ride to/from Yellow Springs (don't remember the other terminus of the trail we'll be riding). I've got my wheels, and I'm givin it hell!

Peace out my peeps!

Celebrating My Re-Birth Day

2010-06-03T09:33:00.000-07:00

Today I celebrate my re-birth day. The new me was born one year ago today. The past year has been one of great change. There have obviously been physical changes, but so many others as well. HUGE changes in habits of mind in relationship to food. I am not perfect and of course I have days that I want to eat in response to stress. Sometimes I do succumb to that a little bit, but that is no longer my primary coping mechanism. I characterize it that I now eat to live... as opposed to living to eat. When I frame a celebration, of course food needs to be planned, but it is different for me now, as I don't have to worry that I'll over indulge on sweets and feel bad later... because I CAN'T go crazy on sweets or I'll be sick. So it takes the pressure off in that sense.

My perception of self is a work in progress. People say "hey there skinny" and I do not know how to react. I used to rebuff the comment telling them I'm not skinny etc.. but my teachings tell me that to refuse a gift (and a heartfelt compliment is certainly a gift) is to insult the giver... so I don't DO that any more. I know that I am still overweight and one goal that I had was to no longer BE overweight... so I'm not sure how I balance this with people telling me that I don't need to lose any more. I'm still working on knowing how to know when it is enough.

My level of physical activity has drastically changed too. Some things are obvious, like the ability and DESIRE to ride a bike and walk for extended periods. But others are not so obvious... like last night I was weeding in the garden and was hunkered over for some time before it occurred to me... "HEY, I can do this without feeling like I am asphyxiating myself!"(bending over for any amount of time reduced my air intake before I lost weight). I can carry things and just help with physical things around the farm that I wasn't as involved in before because I was so winded. This morning I was thinking I'd like to tackle the stairs at Mount Baldhead in Saugatuk/Douglas again and see how different the experience is from the last time I did that. poor Jen thought I was going to collapse on the way up... seriously, I'm not exaggerating here, and I was also worried, but would not give up until I reached the top.

I am creating a "year two list" of things I'd like to at least try sometime in this second year of my new life. So here goes:

Climb a rock wall
Run - not necessarily do a running event, but just see if I can... you know... run!
Get a good bike - and ride regularly... building up to longer distances
Climb Mt. Baldhead
Climb Tower Hill at Warren Dunes State Park

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. I owe an immense debt of gratitude to the people on my support team:

Creator
Jen
My family: Kids, siblings, extended family
My Circle of Friends
The awesome folks at Team:Bariatrics
Roseann

Peace out my peeps!
OH here's the count T minus 103 and counting...

The Formula

2010-05-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63860.1

It's all contingent on a formula, this weight loss / improved health thing. And here's the thing, it does NOT come in a pill... the super duper, new and improved weight loss fat burning formula product du jour... NOPE!

The necessary components to the formula are all within YOU, all things over which YOU have influence: eating the right foods in the right amounts (duh), exercise (ditto), water consumption, and sleep. If any one of those components is missing, or inadequate... weight loss.. yeah, aint gunna happen! Let's look at these one at a time, shall we? Now I am talking from my own post-bariatric perspective, keep that in mind.

Food - must be the right KIND of food, for me, that means a whole LOT of protein. Any non-protein food kind of robs me of protein, I've said it before, but I repeat this for MY benefit... I'm not perfect and I do want other stuff too, so this helps remind myself. Also portion control is critical. Granted the surgery did a lot of that for me, but any post-op bariatric patient will tell you, you can eat too much - and it is unpleasant to say the least! In my case, I also must supplement my food intake with vitamins, due to the malabsorptive nature of the procedure I had. I am faithful about taking those.
Exercise - I have found that if I am leveling off on my progress, exercise is probably the culprit. Either not getting enough, or that I need to mix it up. My body gets used to whatever I am doing physically and I need to shake it up sometimes.
Water Consumption - Sometimes I get bored with water... I want some FLAVOR... and I'm not a fan of many of the crystal lite flavors any more... I love TEA... so I drink a LOT of it (mostly decaf herbal teas). I sometimes have to force myself to drink just... plain... water. It messes with my progress, it messes with my body in so many ways... so yes WATER, WATER, WATER!
Sleep - this is a tricky one for me. I do have intermittent insomnia (not a surgical side effect, this has been with me a long time)... sometimes I just can't sleep, at other times I just don't go to bed soon enough, but wake up time is still the same. It is not uncommon for me to only get 4 or 5 hours sleep, and I KNOW that is not enough. What I am finding out though is that if I deprive myself of sleep my progress slows/stops. It's like my body is saying alright... we only have so many resources here kiddo, and if you're NOT going to recharge us, we're holding onto all resources... just... in... case!

So these days I'm really TRYING to be mindful of the formula... I came across the pic on the left recently and I think that was pretty close to my heaviest. When I look at that, I am blown away at how far I have come. I feel so much better, I have stamina, I look forward to physical activity and am enjoying life - manuganuh - it's all good!

Another Lesson Trying to Be Learned

2010-05-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63824.3

It's all about the journey... right? So on the journey there's a LOT of scenery... valleys and mountains and even plateaus. I made the mistake last week of saying I was on "the plateau from hell" to the wonderful person who is helping me sort some of my "stuff" out. Her questions about why I would call it that... help me to examine my progress to this place where I am today. Okay yes, I KNOW the erroneous height/weight charts are full of it... and down right evil. I've lost... a LOT at this point (100 - 103 depending on the day). My family, my friends, my counselor... tell me that even if I didn't lose another ounce, I am great. Part of me is cool with that... part of me isn't. I don't know if the notion of being labeled as "overweight" is what I'm hanging up on. The evil H/W charts and even the blasted Wii... tell me that I am overweight. And seriously... when in my recent history did I give a rat's ass about what other people think? That should apply to or a chart... or a piece of equipment conceived by people too! If I have leveled off... if I am going to be "stuck" at this weight... it that a huge problem?

I am at at beautiful place... I am more active, I feel SO much better. I am in control... not controlled BY food. So what could be the problem? What do I have to do to convince MYself, that the charts are propagated by the insurance industry, and are indeed erroneous and evil? I am not gaining back my weight... I have not "failed" I am not giving certain people the satisfaction of being right "everyone I ever knew who had that surgery gained it all back and then some" (biotch!). I am doing just FINE!!!

I KNOW that a lesson is repeated until it is learned, so I'm trying like hell to figure this out...

See the picture... that is a BEAUTIFUL plateau in Australia called Uluru.. a place I hope to one day visit and feel the vibrations of the past. I cannot imagine more beautiful place... so why do I consider natural landform plateaus beautiful and my natural bodyform plateau not to be an equally beautiful place to be????

Time Flies...

2010-05-03T10:59:00.000-07:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63802.3

Wow - today marks 11 months since surgery. There have been so MANY changes, it's hard to know where to start!

Over the weekend I participated in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. I walked it, I'm not a runner, but I had fun, I finished and I didn't feel like I was going to keel over. I actually walked slower than my norm, to stay with some of my team mates. So the ability to be more physically active, and have increased stamina - big change
Totally different wardrobe. I have a few pieces I can't bring my self to send to Goodwill, but the clothes I wear, are all different
New daily patterns of activity. There is more cooking going on and much less use of processed/prepared foods... very little fast food so we have to make our own stuff, which is way healthier anyway... just takes time to do that. Also there are more physical activities in the daily pattern... more exercise... more physical interaction with the world.
Different patterns of mind regarding food... I see a dessert and think, oh that looks good, but I don't think "I'm going to have some of that I'll "be good" tomorrow. I no longer define myself as being good or bad in terms of food like I used to. I KNOW that eating more than a bite or 2 of whatever the temptation du jour is... will make me sick. I don't want that to happen, so I'll either have that bite or two, or more often... just pass. But the funny thing is I don't feel all depressed about it... I feel empowered, it was MY choice... not because some "diet" says I can't have it.
New hair (you didn't seriously think I would not talk about the hair... didja?). I got it cut short-short yesterday, the mid length was too much work, and I'm not all about fussin' with my hair. LOVE the new do, but am a little sad that all of my hair accoutrements (and I have a TON... and some way cool ones) will just gather dust... sigh

Time flies when you are transforming your life!

Protein Perils...

2010-04-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63770.4

Well the war of the protein wages on. I've been MUCH more aware, going back to the basic dietary guidelines and that is a good thing. I find that if I don't keep my protein levels up, I feel pretty crappy. But Monday of this week I had the worst bottoming out - CRASH to date. I got home, Jen was doing chores, so I went out to help her with that. About half way up to the house, I started to feel light headed ( a sign I've waited too long). I hadn't eaten anything in hours. I came in the house and grabbed a protein bar, and was trying NOT to wolf it down. Jen came in and asked if I was okay, I shook my head, i was REAL dizzy and sweating like mad. She made me a protein shake. My intent was to finish the bar, and sip the shake while I watched Molly the Owl on her webcam (I'm a Molly addict). After a few minutes, I thought I'd be okay... but I went from being all sweaty and shaky to being cold and skaky. By the time I finished the shake I was feeling a little better, but very VERY tired... so I just went to bed (at like 9:30 - unHEARD of for me). I was still a little iffy yesterday... felt almost stomach flu-like. I woke up this morning feeling pretty crappy... so I canceled my appointments and stayed home. The lesson in all of this for me it to really REALLY stay on top of my protein levels and do NOT try to push through to get something accomplished... take the time and get some protein! Well off to check on Molly & the kids then off to bed for ME! I'm STILL tired!

Peace out my peeps!

Protein Wars

2010-03-30T12:59:00.000-07:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63709.5

Note: I thought of the "Captainsblog, Stardate" thing long before Sheldon Cooper did!

Protein, protein, protein. It is SOOO important! I've known this from way before the surgery, it was imbedded in all of the pre-op education, and I have focused on it from the get-go. However, it has gradually become less of a focus. As I get further and further post-op... different foods have wandered back into my diet, such as more carbs. Not necessarily BAD carbs, I'm not snarfing down sweets... not to worry my faithful friends... the consequences of THAT behavior would be dire indeed, and I know it! But with restricted portions, any non-protein you consume kind of kicks a certain amount of protein out. You can only put so much into the pouch after all! So along with the traumatic effects of the surgery on my hair (didn't think I could NOT mention it, didja?)... my nails are showing signs as well, more brittleness and some ridges and peeling that I know to be signs of not enough protein. So, I have renewed my efforts to up the amount of protein, and I am keeping a food log, and keeping track of my protein grams on that as well. Its an "in your face" way to see how I'm doing with protein day by day. We have chickens so we have a bountiful supply of fresh, chem-free eggs. I have gone back to the big 3, meat, cheese & eggs to give my protein levels a kick in the butt. I still supplement with protein bars (Pure Protein brand rocks at 20 G/bar and low levels of sugar)... but I'm being very deliberate about adding in protein foods as well. I need to get the levels up to be healthy... but also so that my hair will GROW again!

Peace-Out!

A Tale of 2 Sweaters

2010-03-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

I got the sweater on the right from my friend Chris, it was her fav, and quickly became mine. I got the one on the left a few weeks ago at Goodwill. It is amazing to me that the same person wore both... or did she?

Upsides and Misc Ramblings...

2010-03-13T07:31:00.000-08:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63662.3

Some up sides in general:

I can actually FIND nice clothes in my size at Goodwill (now my 1st stop when shopping). I got two VERY nice shirts for work for $5.00 (for both) this week *score*
I can hike a 2.5 mile trail at the local state park in about 50 minutes, and not feel like I am going to collapse - I can actually ENJOY the walk. That time included 2 short rest stops and several pauses for photo ops
And you thought you had heard the last of the great hair loss saga from me... when I whacked off my hair... huh? Everyone loves the new do... and it does make it look like I have more hair (how does that work, whack off like 18 inches and looks like MORE hair... what?) Well I discovered there IS an upside to hair loss... the hair on my legs is like WAY sparse now... so less to shave (when I'm of a mind to do that).

Miscellanea:

I find myself not getting too creative on my food intake at times... there are things that I know work well... so I stick with them. For example every morning my breakfast consists of a protein bar (Pure Protein Chocolate Deluxe) and a cup of herbal tea. You might think OMG isn't that boring? I prefer to frame it this way... in the morning when I'm just trying to get ready and get out of here, I don't have to think about it... I can autopilot through breakfast. I do need to get out there and explore some more recipes though for other meals. Participating in the 60 day wellness challenge at Team Bariatrics will help me to do that (I'll be getting points for finding healthy recipes).

I have now lost about 88 pounds, people are asking me "do you plan on losing MORE... you look great right where you are?" I'm still in the 170's so I'm not quite content with that. I'd be content about 13 pounds form now... anything beyond that... puts me in the bonus round - LOL!

The Pattern

2010-03-06T17:14:00.000-08:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63644.3

My pattern has been:

Plateau

Then lose some

Plateau

Then lose some more

Plateau

Then lose again...

While I am frustrated by each plateau... when I look at the overall pattern...

It's all good.

About 25 lbs to goal... but when I set that goal.. I didn't know I'd have at least 10 lbs of skin that would just be there, unless I have it removed, which isn't likely. So I've got 2 goals... the pie in the sky goal (-25 from where I am) and the reality goal (-15 from where I am now). I WILL reach the reality goal! If I make the pie in the sky goal that's great, but I will NOT consider myself to be settling, or stopping short, or a failure if I don't make that one.

Keepin' it real my peeps!

2010-03-03T19:32:00.000-08:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63636.3

Well I did it... ten years worth of hair growth... gone in a few snips.

And yes, they DID tell me I might experience "some thinning" but this was WAY beyond anything I had seen on anyone I knew who had the surgery. If before surgery they had told me, that I'd end up sacrificing my hair... I'd probably still have done it, but it sure would have given me pause.

Whoever said that it doesn't hurt to have your hair cut... never went through this.... There's a short haired woman lookin' back at me from the mirror!

85 lbs gone... just realized this minute that today is 9 months post-op.

Here's to regrowth and renewal...

Again... with the Hair

2010-03-01T18:48:00.000-08:00

Captainsblog, Stardate:63630.8

Hello faithful readers... you're probably getting tired of my recurring lament on the state of my hair... but ya know this blog is all about processing what's on my mind... and my hair certainly is. If you're not up to speed on it... refer to posts from September and October 2009. Some thinning... okay fine, but holy crap this is ridiculous! I've got about 1/3 of the hair that I had before the great shed-a-thon. The first picture is of half of my remaining hair... that is to say I parted it behind my head, and pulled half to the front. The next one is of my hairline... or what is left of it (for comparison, look at the "titanium floor" post, the shedding had just begun). I have come to the conclusion that I'm going to have to DO something about this. It does not look like my hair anymore. So I am going to go see my niece the hair stylist on Wednesday and we'll see what happens. I am VERY picky about who I'll trust with my hair. This is not just a vanity piece for me (again... see September 09 post)... there are real reasons, valid reasons, significant reasons why I am loath to cut off my hair. If I do cut it... it won't be super short, but a huge change for me.

I have respected the spiritual significance of my hair, much as my ancestors... who only cut their hair in times of mourning. I am in a time of great introspection. Cutting back my outward extension... could contribute to that introspection. I'm praying hard on this (stop rolling your eyes, I pray about everything!) I am in mourning so it would be appropriate (and no, not just mourning for my hair) so if I do this thing, I'll do it in an honorable way...

Aho!

Go Pink!

2010-02-13T08:07:00.000-08:00

Captainsblog, Stardate:63585.8

Many people in my life have been affected by breast cancer (and other cancers as well). I lost my Mom to breast cancer as well as Aunts and friends. I have 2 friends who are either undergoing treatment now, or are recovering from it. I am trying to increase my degree of physical fitness... so I have merged those interests together and am going to participate in the Susan g. Komen Race for the Cure in Mishawaka Indiana on May 1st. I've been training, increasing my activity and building stamina. I am part of an awesome team of Native American women and men, our families and friends. Follow the Pink Shawls link on the left, to learn more about our team, our effort and to support us if you are able . Training for this event has given me a focus and a goal that is not tied to losing a certain number of pounds. Doing this event has helped me to galvanize my intention and my efforts and is helping me to move forward. I know that this will be a very healing thing for our team! Go Pink Shawls!

The Plateau From Hell...

2010-02-09T09:30:00.000-08:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63575.1 It's been a while since my last post... not much going on... at ALL. I know that plateaus are part of the process, but DAMN! I've been plateau'd for about a month. Funny thing is, this last month to 6 weeks I have been the most active time for me since my surgery. I am exercising on a regular basis at home, and have added walking to my workday. I joined the fitness facility at work, and have been walking on my lunch hour. I started out with a mile, and am up to 1.25 miles. I plan to add 1/4 mile every few days. My Wii still says I'm obese, which is less than helpful in the overall scheme of things. So this plateau WILL break, I know it... but I'm getting just the tiniest bit frustrated by it all.

I'm going to counseling to deal with past issues in a healthy way, so that I don't turn back to food and sabotage all of my hard work. I can report that those food/comfort habits are such conditioned responses in me. I've had some things come up that have made me really WANT to just eat n eat n eat. We've seen several passings in our family and circle of friends lately, and that makes it really hard... again, the need to comfort oneself is nearly overwhelming. I have been able to resist and redirect those urges but it's really HARD! Of course it does help that I can't eat certain things. Well I guess I CAN eat anything, it's just a matter of what consequences I am willing to pay. Well, I'm not willing to face the wrath of my digestive tract for the momentary "comfort" of eating a candy bar or something. It is easier to say no to the eat eat eat impulses when the objects of my craving aren't really available to me anyhow. Somehow stuffing carrots into my face, doesn't have the same soothing affect as chocolate might!

My hair is still retreating, but the thinning is slowing and I do see some new growth. I'm still bummed about that... knowing that it will literally be years before my hair is at my pre-op length... if it EVER gets there.

Still plugging away, and I do wonder from time to time, if anyone is out there reading this... but this writing is good for me, so I'll keep it up.

Peace Out!

Tea and Wii and RFTC - Oh MY!

2010-01-13T19:08:00.000-08:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63502.2

You never stop learning on this journey! At 7 months Post-Op I was part of an informational seminar for people considering weight loss surgery. When Dr. Murphy was answering a question from a participant about drinking pop... I learned something that somehow... some WAY I missed in all the (extensive) pre-op education. Confession Time: I had been having a bit of diet decaf pop (diet orange, diet root beer) in the last month or so, not a ton, NOTHING like my previous consumption, but some. I knew we really were not supposed to, but thought it was in the general "it's not good for anybody" healthy choices terms. WELL Dr. Murphy enlightened us, what pop does... is it gets in your little pouch of a stomach.. and does it's fizzy fizzy thing... and actually will expand the size of your pouch. How did I MISS that??? Stretching the pouch is not a good thing... it increases the capacity of your pouch, rather defeating the purpose of the restrictive nature of the procedure. YIKES! I've not had pop since. I've been on a real tea kick of late anyhow... all kinds of herbal teas, spicy and mild and fruity and not... bring em on, I've rarely met a tea I didn't like. I even ordered a case of a particular favorite because it was difficult to impossible to find in the stores! So just say NO to pop, no diet, no caf, not decaf... pop is OUT! Tea... it's the new pop! I am continuing my daily regimen on the Wii fit Plus, I started a new strategy and set a daily calorie-burn goal instead of just time, so I am choosing activities on the Wii Fit that burn more calories, so that's a good thing! Also Jen and I set a fitness goal for ourselves. We are going to walk in the Susan G. Komen "Race for the Cure" event on May 1st, and are being joined by many of our friends, which is a fabulous thing! Peace out my peeps!

Wii Fit & Pizza!

2010-01-02T13:13:00.000-08:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63471.4

After 7 months of NOT eating pizza... I've been kinda jonesing for it. Today we ordered a pizza. Thin crust (too much doughy crust would create HAVOC in my gut). I ate one slice, was satisfied and it was HEAVENLY! Tomorrow is the 7 month mark from surgery, I've lost somewhere around 82 pounds, I feel so much more energized! Things that used to be a real chore for me, just aren't anymore. For example: doing our daily animal chores entails carrying 5 gallon buckets of water, and carrying 50 lb bags of feed... and while awkward, these things don't make me winded anymore.

It was nice to hear so many compliments over the holidays from people who had not seen me for a while. My brother's "wow... I mean I'd seen pictures and you looked great but WOW!" was a highlight. I try to let them know that FEELING good and being healthier are my goals... the "looking good" stuff is a bonus of course. I feel good that I survived the holidays, I baked, I had a few nibbles of favorite stuff (like the pumpkin logs I made) but that was enough for me. I've continued to lose. We bought ourselves a Wii for Christmas, and my daughter bought us the Wii Fit Plus (Thank you Erica!)... we've been doing exercises via Wii fit every day and it's FUN! Anyone who poo-poos the idea that doing exercise on a Wii is REALLY exercise, obviously hasn't done it! I do yoga, step aerobics, balancing exercises, more traditional types of exercises with the Wii & it is GREAT!

So here's to a new year packed with fun and health and activity!

Who... me?

2009-12-26T06:14:00.000-08:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63451.5

Today I hit the 80 pounds lost mark... which is really pretty hard to comprehend. Another hard thing to make fit in my head is that I am within 15 pounds of two people that I consider thin - what the hell is THAT? I still don't apply that term to myself. People will see me and say something like "hey, skinny" and I tell them I am thinnER, but not skinny. I have this concept in my mind of what skinny is (think Kate Moss or Calista Flockhart) and I'm certainly not that... nor do I aspire to be. So this is an interesting place to be... and interesting time of adjustment and discovery. We bought ourselves a Wii for Christmas, my daughter Erica bought us the Wii Fit Plus to go with it, and we've been having BIG fun with the exercises, and anyone who scoffs and muses "how strenuous could THAT be?" Don't you doubt it until you've tried it! It's fun, but can really kick your ass too! So here's to losing 80 pounds, and to getting more active :-)

Streaming...

2009-12-16T12:58:00.000-08:00

Captainsblog - Stardate: 63424.9
I had my surgery on 6/3/09... two days after saying goodbye to my cousin Cindy. After a 3 year battle with ovarian cancer, she passed through the Western door at the age of 51. She walks now in another realm. Cindy and I were... no scratch that... ARE very very close. There are times when I feel her with me as truly as ever I did in her physical presence. One of the last things she said to me was "I'll always be with you Lindy." When I was admitted to the hospital of course they asked how I was doing and all that... I didn't tell them I was emotionally and spiritually devastated. I didn't want any of my medical team to think I was too unstable for the surgery or something. I am realizing now that buttoning up like that while necessary (in my opinion anyway) at the time, is not without repurcussions. Of course I grieved for Cindy in those first days, I mourned my loss, I cried and I wailed, I wrote and I raged right up until the morning of surgery, but then I had to just bottle it all up and put it away... at least until I came home. Once I was home, it hit me hard, my loss and the endless well of emotion related to her passing. Free streaming emotion... no download necessary.. just 24/7 access. Its been a little over six months now since we lost her, and there are times that I cannot make my brain REALLY comprehend that a world exists without Cindy's physical self in it. It hurts my heart... daily. At the most unpredictable times, it just wells up and bubbles over and leaves me as hollowed out as a jack-o-lantern. I find that the more weight that I lose, the more vulnerable I can feel at times. It is like the extra weight shielded me from the world in a sense. Now when stuff comes flying my way, there's less to deflect or absorb it... I have to deal with it (which is ultimately a good thing). Awareness of what we are dealing with, is the first step to dealing with it in a positive manner... so here's some baby steps.

Half-Birthday

2009-12-03T12:32:00.000-08:00

Captainsblog - Stardate: 63389.2
Happy Half-Birthday to ME! Today is the 6 month anniversary of my surgery. Some of the things I have learned in this 6 months are as follows:

Going back to work after 2 weeks was probably a bit ambitious (but I survived)
Sugar is the devil (it really IS)
No matter what your brain and heart etc. may try to tell themselves, your stomach is the BOSS! Tummy aint happy... aint NOBODY happy!
Never underestimate the importance of supportive family and friends!
It feels really good, to FEEL good (to have energy and such)
My bones are NOT bigger than that (I used to look at those height/weight charts and say "oh hell my BONES are bigger than that!")
Portion control is EVERYTHING
Each day is a series of conscious choices regarding food and nutrition, what to eat, how much, does this have enough protein, does it have too much sugar???? I can never just shove food into my face without thinking about those things.
Hair loss sucks!
When you crave something... find a way to make it work within your guidelines. Case in point... I've been jonesing for ginger snaps... by reading labels, I found one that was not too bad I could have like 3... but they were just okay, not "OMG that's what I'm talkin' about!" So I kept looking and found Anna's Ginger Thins. I have a little bit of Breyer's carb smart vanilla ice cream, and a few of those (only ONE tiny gram of sugar per cookie) and they truly taste like honest to goodness ginger snaps... "That's What I'm TALKIN' about!"

That you are capable of much more than you may think!

Random, Party of One?

2009-12-01T08:20:00.000-08:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63383.3

Random #1
I Stepped on the scale yesterday and had an epiphany. I actually weight LESS than what it says on my driver's license! Of course I've lied on my D.L for years upon years, at one point weighing about 70 pounds MORE than it said... but now I've shrunk past that static lie, and weigh less... how cool is THAT? When I reach goal I'll have to pony up the 5 bucks and get a new one where I can actually tell the TRUTH!

Random #2
SparkPeople Quiz: How Healthy is Your Relationship with Food? Interesting!

75 Pounds Gone, T minus 35 and counting...

Goodwill Shopping

2009-11-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

Captain's Blog, Stardate: 63334.3 (this just never gets old for me)

Okay so I stop at my favorite Goodwill store (Goshen, Indiana) on my way back to work from a Mammogram appointment (my little reward). You see tomorrow is 50% off day and typically the day before that sale the store is packed with good stuff, but not so packed with people. So I score a couple of nice wool blazers ($5.00) and a shin length black leather coat ($9.00). Then I decide that maybe I should see what is at the Ireland Rd. store (South Bend, Indiana) and score an even NICER black leather coat. This seven dollar coat is fabulous... shin length, and a size medium (I have always said my BONES were bigger than that... guess they're not!). So yeah Friday the 13th so works for ME! P.S. 72 pounds gone.

Mile Marker 70

2009-11-02T05:29:00.000-08:00

After a month or so on this plateau, which was a bit frustrating... I am moving again, and finally made the next milestone. I have now lost 70 pounds ... which seems rather surreal in a way. Jen mentioned the other day that it is like carrying around my Graddaughter... WOW! I lost a person... a small person granted, but a person. I cannot IMAGINE picking her up and lugging her with me ... everywhere I go... for everything I do... 39.4 pounds to goal. What??? Can't believe it's been 5 months since surgery already.

How Touching... or NOT!

2009-10-26T16:48:00.000-07:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63285.6

I was taken completely by surprise today, I changed into my shorts to hit the treadmill, and happened to catch a glimpse in the mirror... I did a doubletake, I did a TRIPLE take. When standing, my thighs don't touch any more, there is SPACE. Wow... who'd a thunk it? I'll be nice and NOT post an accompanying picture! LOL!

Of Plateaus & Hair Loss

2009-10-18T07:35:00.000-07:00

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63262.6 (why yes, it IS my favorite way to start a blog post)

I've been hanging out on a plateau for a couple of weeks, but interestingly, I am not totally static, i have seen changes while here. I find things fitting differntly, the sand is shifting I guess. I'm rather frustrated with the lack of exercise, I've added some back in, but since falling and wrenching my back and hips, most exercise is hurtful (beyond the positive "feel the burn" kind of pain). So I'm not sure what do about all THAT.

The hair is still on the retreat... which concerns me (yes I KNOW it's normal). I have this vision of a real oddball head of hair when it begins to re-grow... a porcupineish look perhaps? I imagine 2 feet+ of what hair doesn't fall out, and this fuzzy undergrowth of new hair. I'm supporting my hair from the inside (skin, hair & nails vitamins in addition to what I am already taking post-op)... and externally (nioxin)... I'm not "worried" about my hair... but to quote Jackie boy "I don't like it!"

Milestone approaching... hopefully that'll be my next post.

Bursting Through the Titanium Floor

2009-09-22T05:40:00.000-07:00

Captainsblog: Stardate: 63191.2 Okay so you have heard of the glass ceiling... right? I've been living for years... above the Titanium Floor. I have no recollection of when my weight was below 200, and there always seemed to be barriers keeping me from breaking through that ironclad barricade. It was like there was this whole other realm where other people existed... a realm whose borders where closed to me (had my passport expired?). Of course it had been in that realm at SOME point in my life, but I have no idea when that even was. I know that is has been at least 25 years. Today, I stepped on the scale and *dun, dun DUH!* I have burst through the titanium floor into the land of the 100-somethings! Holy Crap! Stamp my passport, I'm STAYIN'!

Not the HAIR!

2009-09-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

One side effect of bariatric surgery is a period of temporary hair loss,I knew this going in, but have been hoping it would not happen (okay some of you folks KNOW how I am about my hair... but not WHY... more on that in a bit). The loss happens due to the trauma of major surgery and the rapid weight loss. Basically your body freaks out and thinks is starving to death, so focuses on vital organs and processes, and not so much on providing nutrition to your hair. I did some looking and found a great article on this here.

I have been noticing progressively more shedding lately. Jen mentioned how my hair was thinner in spots. Tonight when I brushed my hair out after washing there was a lot of hair in the brush. I always collect my hair, and take it outside, or put in a little muslin bag that I saved for this purpose, and take it out later... your hair contains everything about you... never send it to the landfill!

I know this is temporary, but it unsettles me a bit. In 2000, I had VERY short hair, at that point I made the decision to stop cutting, stop coloring, stop perming and just let it grow as it will. I didn't want to restrict myself in that way [by cutting], wanted to stop polluting my hair with chemicals. This was not as a fashion choice, but a spiritual growth piece. My Native heritage carries many teachings, here is some information about the spirituality of hair.

Hair is the physical manifestation of our thoughts and an extension of ourselves. So pure and sacred are the thoughts of Our Mother, the Earth, that her hair grows long and fragrant. Sweetgrass, one of the 4 sacred medicines to Native American people... represents the hair of Mother Earth. On the Medicine Wheel Sweetgrass sits in the North, the place of consciousness. The cutting of hair by oppressors has long represented the submission and defeat of a People, through humiliation. This occurred in the Indian Boarding Schools when the white culture was intent on "killing the Indian, to save the [person]."

I know that this is not a crisis of global proportions, but it will be another growth piece for me... literally and figuratively. So I'll give my hair all of the nutritional support that I can, my nutrient levels are all right where they need to be... and I'll baby my hair through this time of change. One thing is for certain... come spring there will be many a bird's nest on our farm... built and fortified by that which I am now losing. So yeah.. Mno Ganuh (sp???) "It's All good."

The Numbers Are In...

2009-09-09T06:30:00.000-07:00

One of my major contributing factors to having the surgery was that my cholesterol was out of control. I still need to get HDL up... but here are the numbers. I'm so EXCITED!

Side-by-Side Comparison

2009-09-01T07:14:00.000-07:00

Jen suggested I post a side-by-side comparison, good idea! the difference is striking, even to me when viewed that way.

It's Not Just a Cookie...

2009-09-01T05:57:00.000-07:00

Captains Blog: Stardate 10909.01
Dontcha just love birthdays? Here at the office, when one of our co-workers has a birthday, we sing and celebrate and people bring in food for all to share. This is a nice thing... a GOOD thing that we celebrate each other like that. I LOVE sweets... or I used to. Now when there are all manner of carbolicious treats around, it is not unusual for people to offer me a cookie lets say... and when I decline, I might hear, Oh it's just one cookie. But for me... it's NOT just a cookie. Granted I love the IDEA of a cookie, cause it is sweet and undoutedly tastes good. BUT, for me, that cookie also represents the past... past habits of mind, and past behaviors that led me to being so overweight and unhealthy. That cookie has baggage! So when I say "no thanks" to things that I would have snarfed without a thought in the past, that's a little personal victory to me, a re-commitment to the changes I have made and continue to make. It's a celebration that I am in control. I'm no longer living to eat, just eating to live.. as it should be.

Whoa!

2009-08-30T10:39:00.000-07:00

As of this morning, I am half-way to my goal weight. The first half is quicker... so I know that it will be a while before I am at goal, and that's cool. It is nearly incomprehensible to be experiencing success in this long fought battle, after so many failures. I know getting to goal is only a part of the journey, keeping on target will require daily work, keeping with the healthier habits I am living now and constant vigilance. But wow, and holy crap - half... way... there!

Sweet Nectar of the GODS!

2009-08-25T07:04:00.000-07:00

Okay may not SEEM like much to blog about... but yesterday after a 3 month hiatus, I had an iced Chai from Starbucks... a small one, but a real live GENUINE Starbucks Chai! No ill effects - hooray! I was half afraid I'd no longer LIKE it... since many tastes have changed, but no worries, I still love the cinnaminny goodness of that Chai! I do think that my time away had a negative economic impact on Starbucks and Tazo... seriously! I sure won't have one every day or anything... but to know it's an OPTION... SWEET!

Also today, I had the 3 month blood work, I go next week for the 3 month follow-up appointment, I'll be VERY interested to see those cholesterol numbers especially!

Peace - out my peeps!
P minus 53 and counting... LOL

2 Cool Things

2009-08-19T04:10:00.000-07:00

I am no longer required to take daily Rx antacid - just as needed :-)
Heading out the ball park today... didn't want to lose my cell phone,, so I put on a belt to secure the phone case... and used the 5th hole - I used to use the 2nd or 3rd hole at best... I've NEVER used the 5th hole on this belt! Sweet!

Milestone

2009-08-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

I've now lost 50 pounds, in a little over ten weeks! Down about 3 pants sizes. There are still some off and on food issues, and the arthritis is an ongoing thing, which IS improving. Adding Glucosamine and Chondroitin chewables to the regimen (with the doctor's permission of course) is helping with that too I think. Overall I feel GREAT! After coming home from MichFest, I've been so TIRED. I know I need to get more sleep, and I need to get after the exercise more. So my next goals are increase exercise, and GET MORE SLEEP! Thanks to all of wonderful peeps for their support.

Festival Feats!

2009-08-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

Jen and I went to the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival and had a BLAST. I did really well with food, only one mishap. We walked a LOT... probably 8 or 10 miles over the week. If I had still been lugging around those extra pounds, I cannot imagine how I could have survived! My hips gave me fits (thanx to arthritis and the inability to take the NSAIDS I was on pre-surgery), but as the week progressed, it got easier.

I brought alot of my own food, but ate some of the free meals too. it was an AMAZING experience and I feel great about how well I handled the rugged terrain and lots

of walking considering I hit my 9 week post-op while we were there. not too shabby! 3 pounds away from the 50 pound mark!

8 Weeks

2009-07-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

It's been 8 weeks since surgery, 42 pounds gone. One of my co-workers said "it's just melting off of you"... which she meant as a compliment I'm sure, but it felt a bit like her perception was that this is effortless. Nothing could be further from the truth. Yes the surgery gave me tools I didnt have before, but there are still daily challenges. Granted some of those are things I have never worried about in my LIFE, like will a certain food sit well on this day, or REMEMBERING to eat. Who knew THAT would ever be an issue?

The whole "easy way out" thing is the biggest myth out there - that having gastric bypass surgery means weight magically falls off of you with no effort. That is just not the case! While you may lose some weight without exercise, if you want to see real results you have to exercise! I'm up to three miles on my bike, while that's still not all that much, for a person who could not ride a bike for the last five years or so, it's a huge accomplishment. When I rode that three miles... I thought I would just croak as I rode the last little bit up the driveway... as a matter of fact, I slowed to a crawl and due to a lack of momentum, fell over. I probably looked like Artie Johnson on the old Rowan & Martin's Laugh In show... when he fell over sideways with his tricycle... LOL

You also can’t just eat whatever you feel like... as you used to. Eat the wrong thing, eat it too fast, or try to eat too much (even one teeny tiny bite too much) and you'll be miserable. Unhealthy foods can make you quite sick and they will stop weight loss just like they will for anyone else.

Bariatric surgery is a tool, that can help people dedicated to becoming heathier... do so, but it's NOT the easy way out! Okay, I'll step down from my soap box now...

Navigating the party waters...

2009-07-26T20:57:00.000-07:00

Went to a grad party for a great friend who just got her Ph (freakin')D in nursing [HUGE congratulatory shout out to "Doctah D"... you rock!]. I successfully navigated the food table *yeah*... it's amazing how my thought processes regarding food are so different now. I was formerly a junkie for the sweets, and seeing the decadent cake, and the cookies and all... I guess I liked the idea of those things, but there was absolutely no temptation to eat them, as I was unwilling to pay the price of eating it. Seeing the heaped plates of other party goers was almost nauseating to me. The thought that I would have had a similarly piled plate pre-surgery certainly does not escape me, but knowing that consuming even a fraction of what was on the average plate would have me "yowling in despair"... is just so unreal! The notion that the "heaped plate" me and the "tiny portion" me... are the same person... amazes me just the same.

My WL Journey

2009-07-22T07:05:00.000-07:00

My name is Lynn. June 3, 2009 was my re-birthday. I had surgery, a laproscopic gastirc bypass Rue-N-Y. My provider is Team Bariatrics in Goshen Indiana and they are PHENOMENAL! They truly are a TEAM that holistically supports you and gives you the tools for success, while helping you discover within yourself, the strength and dedication that this journey takes. Shout outs to Kathy, Sue, Barb, Drs. Murphy and Hawkins, Kendra, Jen, Sandy, Cynthia and Jeff... you all are awesome! It is my hope that this blog will be a resource to people contemplating this journey, and/or already on the journey themselves.

I am 51 years old. I decided to have the surgery as a means to get healthier. My weight was out of control. I had tried so MANY things, for so many years. My goal was to live a long and ACTIVE life, enjoying my family and friends, my children and grandchildren. Health issues were creeping in, arthritis that was getting steadily worse, high cholesterol and high blood pressure. I cannot tolerate statin drugs so my cholesterol was more or less un-managed. I tried with diet and some natural supplements, while I was leading up to surgery. I'll be interested in September when they check it again, to see how the weight loss has effected my lipid levels.

These first 2 pictures will serve as my "before" as I didnt take a picture the morning of surgery as I now wish I had. The picture was taken at an awards ceremony in March 2009. I received a teaching award, that the Indiana University system awards to outstanding educators. You are only eligible once in your IU career. That night was such a contradiction of feelings... this award was a once-in-a-lifetime honor. I was excited, honored and humbled, and so pleased to be surrounded by my family and friends. BUT As I walked up on that stage, I barely heard what the President of the University was saying... as I was SO conscious of my weight... when I stepped onto the portable stage they used, it boomed with my first step... I was so embarassed... I felt huge!

The image below was taken this week, 7 weeks post-op. I have lost about 38 pounds, and am now riding a bike a few miles, for the first time in a LONG time. I am off the blood pressure medication *yeah* . I am blessed to have an awesome circle of friends, and an incredibly supportive family. Heartfelt thank yous go out to my incredible partner, my wonderful kids, marvelously supportive siblings and family members and all of my fabulous friends. I have a long way to go, but with all of your support... I'm on my way!