A Whole Other Country

Captainsblog, Stardate: 64193.3

Okay so it's been 15 months since I began this journey, time to take stock.  So much has changed.  There are the obvious physical changes, but there are some not so obvious ones too. I never felt that I was a person who was downtrodden by their excess weight to the point of not engaging with society and being a hermit. However I do see that I am more confident as I move through this world now.  I think that some of that is because the physical reality of literally moving in this world is easier.  There were times before when went into a store for example, if the layout was not conducive to my navigating without fear of inadvertently knocking something over lets say, that I had to be much more deliberate about my movements in that environment.  That is not as much of an issue these days.  Also, I've always had (but certainly not always displayed) an attitude of "this is me, deal with it."  I did spend part of my life where wondering how I was being judged by someone due to my size, led me to keep that attitude in check. Other factors such as living with an oppressive person contributed to the manner in which I dealt with life.  Not these days... it's WYSIWYG all the way baby!  If someone doesn't like the person they see in me, that's pretty much their problem, I won't own that any more.  Some people may see that as smugness, but it is truly not. I call it integrity. I believe that how I am, the person I am inside, is who Creator made me to be, I make no apologies for that, and believe that to deny that person a space in the world, would be going against Creator's plan for me.  So yeah, that whole keeping quiet, squelching myself to avoid rocking someone ELSE'S boat... been there, done that, got the T-shirt (an XXXL).  Other factors certainly contributed to my former mode of being in this world, and I continue to process them... I am finding my way.    Here's the contrast pic du jour:

 

My daughter says when she sees the pic on the right she hears the song "I've Got a New AttiTUDE"... I guess that's about right.

As I walk my path today and look around.. the scenery looks so different, its like a whole other country!  What has not changed, is the love and support of my wonderful peeps.  My family and friends, are an incredibly gifted bunch of folks, who truly see people for who they are and do not judge folks on the superficial qualities that some folks do.  It is by walking alongside the people in my circle, that enables me to explore, and enjoy this world. 

Chii Migwetch to you all... you  KNOW who you are!

Size Matters, but WHY?

The media blatantly and unapologetically presents a very skewed image of health and beauty.  The average model is almost 6 feet tall and has a BMI of 17% or less.   According to health and wellness guidelines a person of that body composition is underweight to severely underweight, and yet in our society we are bombarded with messages that tell us this anorexic “ideal” is what happy and successful people look like. The media certainly influences body image and how it shapes us as individuals; peer influence, family expectations and ethnocultural norms also have significant impact on how we see ourselves.

I am a formerly obese person. I have been on a journey to improved health for sometime now.  Losing over 100 pounds has transformed my life in many ways, I’m healthier, I have more stamina and I more actively engaged in my life.  All of these things are wonderful! I have noticed something else though, something that is really pissing me off! As my weight loss progressed, somewhere along the line my cloaking device disengaged.  Imagine my surprise as I approach the entrance to Starbucks recently, and the door was opened for me. I should be thrilled right?  I’m not thrilled. I’m totally pissed!  Why is it, that now I am deserving of positive regard and common courtesy, when before my weight loss… for the most part, I was not?

Many people of size go through life unnoticed.  Imagine the pain of being on a bus, or in line at the grocery store and having people either avert their eyes, look at you with disdain, or worse take no notice of you whatsoever.  Being treated with disrespect is inappropriate and painful, but disregard is worse.  Disrespect is a form of acknowledgement, albeit negative. Disregard however is more damaging as it communicates that a person is not worthy of notice or acknowledgement of any kind. There is this perception that people of size are lazy, self-indulgent, and completely lacking in motivation.  What is worse is that people of size are routinely blamed for their weight-related challenges, regardless of their struggles to overcome them.

It’s not just a case of doors being opened; I no longer have experiences like this one:  Several years ago a friend and I were shopping for a bridal shower gift for a mutual friend. As we entered the lingerie store and had just begun to browse the merchandise a sales girl approached us.  Instead of the usual “may I help you” she greeted us with “oh, we don’t have anything in YOUR size here, you might want to go shop at the big girl store!” The sales girl stood with her arms folded and looked at us with clear disgust.  It was also clear that she wanted us to leave.  We were making her uncomfortable. We let her know how we felt about her customer service skills in no uncertain terms, and left the store. People of size have experiences like this on a daily basis. Airline seats, turnstiles, and restaurant seating present real challenges for people whose body conformation exceeds the allotted space.  Dealing with the accumulated pain of such encounters can cause a person to gradually disengage from the world. 

Although I have been on this journey toward improved health, I want to be quite clear that I do not feel that all people of size must transform themselves as I have.  My choice was just that… mine.  I made my choice for my own specific reasons, not so I could suddenly be regarded as worthy in the eyes of my fellow human beings.

As a society we need to challenge our perceptions of people of size. It starts by examining our own biases. Ask yourself “do I make weight based assumptions regarding a person’s character, intelligence, professional success, or health?” We need to identify and confront our own biases, develop empathy, and work to address the needs and concerns of people of size. 

Small changes can have such a great impact.  Look for changes that you can make.  Do you own a business? Create an open and welcoming environment with large, armless chairs in waiting rooms and common areas, which accommodate a variety of body sizes.  These friendly furnishings are also very handy for a person with an infant in a carrier or a person with mobility limitations. Make a point, to interact with all kinds of people, push your current boundaries. 

I want the world to treat me as a person first.  I am a person with gifts to share and contributions to make, a person with hopes and dreams, a person of worth. As a person of size, I wanted that too… just to be perceived as a human being, who contributes to our collective earthly experience and who is deserving of positive regard and common courtesy.  Doesn’t seem too much to ask.

Now THAT's a Switch

Captainsblog, Stardate: 64174.9

As most of you know, I spend a LOT of time with a camera in my hand.  It is a form of creative expression for me, and a form of solace. The fact that I also supplement my income as a portrait photographer does not take away from the joy that I experience with my camera. People ask me when looking at images I have created from trips etc, why I am not in them. I always say that I am MUCH more comfortable on the other side of the camera.  That is still true.  However, I have had some recent opportunities to be the subject as opposed to the photographer and it has helped me to see myself a little differently.  I still see myself as a larger type person... like when I shop for clothes, I gravitate to the "big girl" section first, and to blousier styles first.  It takes a bit of courage to try stuff on that is more fitted. I tried on a petite the other day and although it didnt really "work" for me... I had it ON... who knew?!  I'm taking part in a marketing campaign for my bariatric provider as one of their success stories.  There's a photo shoot tomorrow... I am a bit enrvous about the whole "in front of the camera" thing... so I'll let y'all know how that goes.

I am still 15 pounds shy of "goal" but am okay with where I am.  If I make that goal... that'd be GGGRRREEEAAATTT  but if not, it's all good.  Manu Ganuh!

 

Conquering Goals

Captainsblog: Stardate: 64060.7

I kicked another one of those second year goals this week.  I went to Warren Dunes (my favorite summer place) on Monday.  The first thing I did was to climb Tower Hill, I tackled it first because the sand was not 8 million degrees as it was still early.  I made it to the top! I didn't feel like I was going to die or puke or anything (always a bonus).  Okay so if you are not familiar, this is Tower Hill - which rises 263 feet above Lake Michigan.  It may not LOOK like a serious challenge, but believe me, it's not exactly a walk in the park either!  The last time I climbed Tower Hill was in 2002, I made it by sheer willpower and stubbornness, but I felt like my heart was going to explode and I had to rest MANY times going up, each time I almost went back down.  My Son was in Marine Corps boot camp at the time and I missed him greatly.  I took the kids to the dunes a lot as they were growing up.  So I made myself make it to the top and rested a long time before going back down. This time, it was so much easier and I actually enjoyed it!  It was such a hoot I actually PASSED teenagers, who were whining that they couldn't make it.  I told them "if this old lady can make it... so can you! The second image is from the TOP of tower Hill.  About a half an hour after this was taken, I was in the lake (heaven)!

I'm still cycling, still loving it!  Today we rode the Nickel Plate Trail, 20 miles round trip... it was a sweet ride!  Tomorrow I'm hitting the Pumpkinvine Trail.  I love riding the rail trails, the only time you have deal with cars is when the trail crosses a road.  So MUCH better than road riding!

Well I guess that's it for now... Peace out my peeps!

Well THAT was Fun!

Captainsblog - Stardate:64001.9

An update on those goals...

• Still cycling and loving it!   The last couple of weeks have been very busy, between helping with childcare for my Granddaughter, taking a much needed "staycation" and coming back to work to some very long days, I have not ridden as much as I would like, but every time I do it feels GREAT!  It is still hard for me to believe that I can ride for miles and miles and not feel like I am going to DIE!!!  I am looking forward to and planning more cycling adventures. I'd love to do a multi day ride at some point too!
• I've been to Warren Dunes and done a fair amount of swimming. And I have to say it is incredibly odd to swim without my long hair trailing around me - I always swam with it unfettered so it is a very different sensation, or lack thereof.  (I haven't mentioned the hair since May, but I miss it a lot. I love my short hair, but miss my long hair at the same time) Sooo back to the dunes... I have yet to conquer Tower Hill - I'd rather do that on a day the sand is not 120 degrees!
• Okay that running thing... I did that one day last week, just a short sprint and it went okay. I found that I CAN physically run.  I'm just not a fan. Too much of my loose stuff flopping around to suit me, and too much impact on my poor hips, but I did it!
• Have not wandered to Saugatuk to get reacquainted with Mt. Baldhead, or encountered a rock wall so those goals are in still waiting.

Can't think of anything else at present, so peace-out my peeps!

Hell on Wheels

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63951.3

One of my year 2 goals was to get a decent bike and start riding... working to longer distances. Well I've now got the bike, a Trek 7100 - its a hybrid, and I LOVE it! I had been doing some random riding around my community, jaunts of 5 - 8 miles, no biggie, and having fun with that.  Jen and I started investigating rail trails, and liked the idea.  So last weekend we rode the "Panhandle Pathway" from Winamac Indiana to Star City Indiana, just 9 miles round trip, but very nice.  I like the rail trails because you are not dodging traffic and they are mostly flat and very scenic.  Yesterday we decided to tackle part of the Kal-Haven Trail which runs from Kalamazoo Michigan to South Haven Michigan. We started in South Haven - went to Bloomingdale (the 1/2 way point) and then back to South Haven for a round trip of 33.87 miles.  I am thankful to my good friend Matt who has given us TONS of good advise, helped me select my bike and figured out what size I needed.  Matt also helped me select a good women's specific saddle (from the Body Geometry line of products by Specialized).  Would it be inappropriate to tell him that my butt thanks him???  That saddle made SUCH a difference.  We rode the 32+ miles and we made it, we were tired, but not "OMG I think I'm gunna die" tired. We are planning on doing a ride at the end of July that is 68 miles (one way).  In talking to Matt, he told us that when doing long, multi day rides, the worst part is getting back in the saddle as it were, on day 2.  So today we decided to hit the Pumpkin Vine Trail in Goshen Indiana (10.2 miles round trip) to see how we would do.  The first mile my butt was like "uh, NOOOOO, get me off of this thing right NOW"  and just above my knees were screaming "what the *&^%$ do you think you're DOING??"  But after another mile or 2, they loosened up and the ride was great. My 1st post on this blog that talked about riding a bike was when I was 8 weeks post op, not quite a year ago.  I was crowing that I had managed to ride 3 miles, and that was a great accomplishment given where I was.  I never would have DREAMED I could ride over 30 miles! It is an amazing feeling to be able to do that! So onward and upward, racking up miles to longer rides, in preparation for the ride to/from Yellow Springs (don't remember the other terminus of the trail we'll be riding).  I've got my wheels, and I'm givin it hell!

Peace out my peeps!

Celebrating My Re-Birth Day

Today I celebrate my re-birth day.  The new me was born one year ago today. The past year has been one of great change.  There have  obviously been physical changes, but so many others as well. HUGE changes in habits of mind in relationship to food.  I am not perfect and of course I have days that I want to eat in response to stress.  Sometimes I do succumb to that a little bit, but that is no longer my primary coping mechanism.  I characterize it that I now eat to live... as opposed to living to eat.  When I frame a celebration, of course food needs to be planned, but it is different for me now, as I don't have to worry that I'll over indulge on sweets and feel bad later... because I CAN'T go crazy on sweets or I'll be sick.  So it takes the pressure off in that sense.  

My perception of self is a work in progress. People say "hey there skinny" and I do not  know how to react.  I used to rebuff the comment telling them I'm not skinny etc.. but my teachings tell me that to refuse a gift (and a heartfelt compliment is certainly a gift) is to insult the giver... so I don't DO that any more.  I know that I am still overweight and one goal that I had was to no longer BE overweight... so I'm not sure how I balance this with people telling me that I don't need to lose any more.  I'm still working on knowing how to know when it is enough.

My level of physical activity has drastically changed too.  Some things are obvious, like the ability and DESIRE to ride a bike and walk for extended periods.  But others are not so obvious... like last night I was weeding in the garden and was hunkered over for some time before it occurred to me... "HEY, I can do this without feeling like I am asphyxiating myself!"(bending over for any amount of time reduced my air intake before I lost weight).  I can carry things and just help with physical things around the farm that I wasn't as involved in before because I was so winded.  This morning I was thinking I'd like to tackle the stairs at Mount Baldhead in Saugatuk/Douglas again and see how different the experience is from the last time I did that.  poor Jen thought I was going to collapse on the way up... seriously, I'm not exaggerating here, and I was also worried, but would not give up until I reached the top. 

I am creating a "year two list" of things I'd like to at least try sometime in this second year of my new life.  So here goes:

• Climb a rock wall
• Run - not necessarily do a running event, but just see if I can... you know... run!
• Get a good bike - and ride regularly... building up to longer distances
• Climb Mt. Baldhead
• Climb Tower Hill at Warren Dunes State Park

That's all I can think of off the top of my head.  I owe an immense debt of gratitude to the people on my support team:

• Creator 
• Jen
• My family: Kids, siblings, extended family
• My Circle of Friends
• The awesome folks at Team:Bariatrics
• Roseann

Peace out my peeps!
OH here's the count T minus 103 and counting...