A Tale of Two Climbs

Captainsblog: Stardate 64913.7 (thought I grew tired of that.. didn't ya!)

In November of 2008 - approximately 6 months prior to my surgery, my partner and I went to Saugatuck Michigan for the weekend.  A friend had given us a gift certificate for a B & B there, which we utilized, and had a marvelous time.  Saugatuck is a great place, very artsy and lots of neat things to do.  One of those neat things is that that you can climb Mt. Baldhead.  Mt Baldhead is a tree covered sand dune which rises from 560 ft. above sea level to 800 ft at its highest point. If you go down on the opposite side from that which you climbed up, you'll be on the shore of Lake Michigan.   There have been stairs ascending Mt. Baldhead since the early 1900s.  The set of stairs we climbed in 2008 had been there since the 1950s.  They were rather worn, but still sturdy-ish.  Jen and I tacked the climb as we wanted to see the view. As we began to ascent, my heart began to pound, each riser, each landing, made me doubt my ability to make it to the top. But I am STUBBORN... kept going.  I felt lightheaded, my hips were screaming, my heart pounded.  I remember thinking, "this is the stuff that heart attacks ware made of!"  At one point, I did consider stopping, but just about then, a 20 something couple went zipping past me and I thought "oh HELL no" and was determined to make it to the top, which I eventually did.  We rested at the top for a while before coming back down.  Jen told me that she worried about me, and that I hadn't looked good, she was afraid I was going to have a heart attack or something the way I looked. With her training and experience as a firefighter and 1st responder, I didn't take that lightly.  It was two or three weeks after that climb, that I decided to have bariatric surgery.  The left half of the picture below was taken at the top of Mt. Baldhead after I caught my breath somewhat, on that first climb. The right half was taken a few days ago.

Fast forward 2 1/2 years.  We again went to Saugatuck, this time with one of the express purposes being, that I wanted to tackle Mt. Baldhead, and kick its ass, as opposed to it nearly doing me in.  We were surprised to see that a new set of steps had been built, still numbering 282 to reach the summit.  I read online that it cost $99,990 to replace the steps.

This is a view of the steps, from the bottom, even now, looking up made me think "holy shit!" but I was resolved to do it, and was also confident that I could do it without endangering my life.   So up we went!  We stopped for a breather a few times, but we made it. I didn't feel dangerously winded or have the feeling of impending doom I experienced on the last time up. It was a breathtaking experience, but this time, it was the VIEW that took my breath away... not the climb!  

Year Two Goal: Climb Mt. Baldhead - Check ✓

Thanks for hanging with me my friends... peace OUT! ✌

Year 2 in Review

Its kinda hard to comprehend that it has been 2 years! This is a good time to look at my goals for year 2, and set new goals for year 3!


My Year 2 goals were:

• Climb a rock wall - I have not encountered a rock wall, so sadly... no
• Run - just see if I can... you know... run! - Check ✓
• Get a good bike - and ride regularly... building up to longer distances - Check ✓
• Climb Mt. Baldhead in Douglas Michigan - that trip will happen this summer  :-)
• Climb Tower Hill at Warren Dunes State Park - Check ✓

I feel pretty good about the progress I made on the year 2 goals, I wish had achieved them all, but this is not bout perfection, its a work in progress, just like me.  So here's to year 3, and some more goal setting.

• Keep up this blog better!
• Take a spin class
• Integrate more exercise into my hectic schedule - might help with that whole extra skin around the middle thing, I have going on - LOL!
• Climb a rock wall (carryover from year 2)
• Complete a century bike ride!
• Tackle Mt. Baldhead (carryover from year 2)
• Get more creative with my food choices within the given parameters - I'm kinda in a rut - meat, cheese, eggs (and then repeat)
• Get more SLEEP!

Speaking of that last one, I'm outta here, thanx for keeping up with me my friends!

Measuring Success...

Holy Crap, it's been a long time since I've been here! Life gets away from me, just like everyone else, I guess.  I've been in a stuck place all winter, less opportunities to exercise... sure, but I gotta OWN it... less motivation to exercise.  I guess I've been channeling my inner bear... and just hibernating through the cold & snowy months. At present I'm about 25 pounds over the very first goal I set, but about 15 from my "reality goal." My provider told me that I'd be totin 5 - 10 pounds of extra skin unless I had it lopped off, so I set a "reality goal." I am trying as some very wise people have been telling me to not focus on the number on the scale, but look at where I am, and where I've been.  I've had many of my peeps ask me, if I wanted to lose more, and when I respond that I'd love to lose 10 or 15 more... their brows furrow... and they ask me if it will make me feel better (like healthy wise) and I admit, that it may not make that much of a difference.  "Then WHY... you look GREAT!" is the usual response.  I guess it probably IS just a numbers thing.  Unless I have it surgically removed (not going to happen) I'll always have my "spare tire" of extra skin, so I'll never have a striking hourglass figure... and I really don't care.  Beauty is within, and even external beauty is defined BROADLY in my world view.  Some of the most awesome people I know do not conform to the bullshit "ideal" of beauty in our society. And it's not just that I love these people, but they are active and vital and live in a good way. So my goal this spring is to get back into a more active mode, to ride my bike, to hike and whatever else presents itself.  If increased activity help with those last few pounds... great... but if not... that really is OKAY!  

I know some other folks who have had bariatric surgery and are various distances on their respective journeys.  I see some of those folks engaging in habits that scare me to death... the food choices, the amounts... scare me.  I didn't go through all I have been through thus far to go back to that place.   I have a friend who counsels people who struggle with food related issues, and she told me that I am only the second person she has known, who she considers a bariatric success story, who hasn't fallen back into the pit of destructive food behaviors.  That scares me too! But this is a healthy fear, and a useful one.  It keeps me on track!

I KNOW I am not going back to where I was... that is the important thing here... I guess I need to remind myself of that from time to time, and quit spazzing about numbers. I thought I'd include this pic.  My bariatric provider has me as their poster child on the binders they give to patients now... and looking at the 2 pics, even blows ME away!  So yeah, really... I'm doing just FINE!  

Keepin' it real my peeps!

Lynn

Stress Eating

Captainsblog... Stardate: 64349.7

It's been a while since I've blogged, and a lot has happened since that last post.   Life took a very stressful turn in October.  The loss of my Grandson in childbirth threw me into a huge tailspin. It is hard to adequately describe those feelings. I feel helpless... my family is hurting and I can't make it better.  I just hurt... I mourn for those experiences we never got to share... those first steps, and first words and walking in the woods together.  I know that Kaiden is in a place with his Creator and his ancestors... but that doesn't keep from recognizing that the situation sucks!  I am blessed that I have such an amazingly supportive partner, family and circle of friends. Our church family has been a huge blessing as well.  But there are days... awash in pain and a feeling of helplessness I turn to my old friend - food -  for comfort.  Now I can't just go mow down a candy bar ... or down a milkshake (no matter how much I'd LIKE to)... that would just make me sick... but I do find myself munching when I don't need to.  Eating things like chex mix that while not the absolutely worst choice... its not a great one either. Eating not because I am hungry - eating because I am stressed... and that is a LONG established pattern.  So now...  I am examining those things and have refocused myself on getting lots of lean protein, and eating fruit for snacks and so forth and just not buying any of that filler crap that does not meet my nutritional needs.

Trying to pull it together...

Peace-out my peeps

A Whole Other Country

Captainsblog, Stardate: 64193.3

Okay so it's been 15 months since I began this journey, time to take stock.  So much has changed.  There are the obvious physical changes, but there are some not so obvious ones too. I never felt that I was a person who was downtrodden by their excess weight to the point of not engaging with society and being a hermit. However I do see that I am more confident as I move through this world now.  I think that some of that is because the physical reality of literally moving in this world is easier.  There were times before when went into a store for example, if the layout was not conducive to my navigating without fear of inadvertently knocking something over lets say, that I had to be much more deliberate about my movements in that environment.  That is not as much of an issue these days.  Also, I've always had (but certainly not always displayed) an attitude of "this is me, deal with it."  I did spend part of my life where wondering how I was being judged by someone due to my size, led me to keep that attitude in check. Other factors such as living with an oppressive person contributed to the manner in which I dealt with life.  Not these days... it's WYSIWYG all the way baby!  If someone doesn't like the person they see in me, that's pretty much their problem, I won't own that any more.  Some people may see that as smugness, but it is truly not. I call it integrity. I believe that how I am, the person I am inside, is who Creator made me to be, I make no apologies for that, and believe that to deny that person a space in the world, would be going against Creator's plan for me.  So yeah, that whole keeping quiet, squelching myself to avoid rocking someone ELSE'S boat... been there, done that, got the T-shirt (an XXXL).  Other factors certainly contributed to my former mode of being in this world, and I continue to process them... I am finding my way.    Here's the contrast pic du jour:

 

My daughter says when she sees the pic on the right she hears the song "I've Got a New AttiTUDE"... I guess that's about right.

As I walk my path today and look around.. the scenery looks so different, its like a whole other country!  What has not changed, is the love and support of my wonderful peeps.  My family and friends, are an incredibly gifted bunch of folks, who truly see people for who they are and do not judge folks on the superficial qualities that some folks do.  It is by walking alongside the people in my circle, that enables me to explore, and enjoy this world. 

Chii Migwetch to you all... you  KNOW who you are!

Size Matters, but WHY?

The media blatantly and unapologetically presents a very skewed image of health and beauty.  The average model is almost 6 feet tall and has a BMI of 17% or less.   According to health and wellness guidelines a person of that body composition is underweight to severely underweight, and yet in our society we are bombarded with messages that tell us this anorexic “ideal” is what happy and successful people look like. The media certainly influences body image and how it shapes us as individuals; peer influence, family expectations and ethnocultural norms also have significant impact on how we see ourselves.

I am a formerly obese person. I have been on a journey to improved health for sometime now.  Losing over 100 pounds has transformed my life in many ways, I’m healthier, I have more stamina and I more actively engaged in my life.  All of these things are wonderful! I have noticed something else though, something that is really pissing me off! As my weight loss progressed, somewhere along the line my cloaking device disengaged.  Imagine my surprise as I approach the entrance to Starbucks recently, and the door was opened for me. I should be thrilled right?  I’m not thrilled. I’m totally pissed!  Why is it, that now I am deserving of positive regard and common courtesy, when before my weight loss… for the most part, I was not?

Many people of size go through life unnoticed.  Imagine the pain of being on a bus, or in line at the grocery store and having people either avert their eyes, look at you with disdain, or worse take no notice of you whatsoever.  Being treated with disrespect is inappropriate and painful, but disregard is worse.  Disrespect is a form of acknowledgement, albeit negative. Disregard however is more damaging as it communicates that a person is not worthy of notice or acknowledgement of any kind. There is this perception that people of size are lazy, self-indulgent, and completely lacking in motivation.  What is worse is that people of size are routinely blamed for their weight-related challenges, regardless of their struggles to overcome them.

It’s not just a case of doors being opened; I no longer have experiences like this one:  Several years ago a friend and I were shopping for a bridal shower gift for a mutual friend. As we entered the lingerie store and had just begun to browse the merchandise a sales girl approached us.  Instead of the usual “may I help you” she greeted us with “oh, we don’t have anything in YOUR size here, you might want to go shop at the big girl store!” The sales girl stood with her arms folded and looked at us with clear disgust.  It was also clear that she wanted us to leave.  We were making her uncomfortable. We let her know how we felt about her customer service skills in no uncertain terms, and left the store. People of size have experiences like this on a daily basis. Airline seats, turnstiles, and restaurant seating present real challenges for people whose body conformation exceeds the allotted space.  Dealing with the accumulated pain of such encounters can cause a person to gradually disengage from the world. 

Although I have been on this journey toward improved health, I want to be quite clear that I do not feel that all people of size must transform themselves as I have.  My choice was just that… mine.  I made my choice for my own specific reasons, not so I could suddenly be regarded as worthy in the eyes of my fellow human beings.

As a society we need to challenge our perceptions of people of size. It starts by examining our own biases. Ask yourself “do I make weight based assumptions regarding a person’s character, intelligence, professional success, or health?” We need to identify and confront our own biases, develop empathy, and work to address the needs and concerns of people of size. 

Small changes can have such a great impact.  Look for changes that you can make.  Do you own a business? Create an open and welcoming environment with large, armless chairs in waiting rooms and common areas, which accommodate a variety of body sizes.  These friendly furnishings are also very handy for a person with an infant in a carrier or a person with mobility limitations. Make a point, to interact with all kinds of people, push your current boundaries. 

I want the world to treat me as a person first.  I am a person with gifts to share and contributions to make, a person with hopes and dreams, a person of worth. As a person of size, I wanted that too… just to be perceived as a human being, who contributes to our collective earthly experience and who is deserving of positive regard and common courtesy.  Doesn’t seem too much to ask.

Now THAT's a Switch

Captainsblog, Stardate: 64174.9

As most of you know, I spend a LOT of time with a camera in my hand.  It is a form of creative expression for me, and a form of solace. The fact that I also supplement my income as a portrait photographer does not take away from the joy that I experience with my camera. People ask me when looking at images I have created from trips etc, why I am not in them. I always say that I am MUCH more comfortable on the other side of the camera.  That is still true.  However, I have had some recent opportunities to be the subject as opposed to the photographer and it has helped me to see myself a little differently.  I still see myself as a larger type person... like when I shop for clothes, I gravitate to the "big girl" section first, and to blousier styles first.  It takes a bit of courage to try stuff on that is more fitted. I tried on a petite the other day and although it didnt really "work" for me... I had it ON... who knew?!  I'm taking part in a marketing campaign for my bariatric provider as one of their success stories.  There's a photo shoot tomorrow... I am a bit enrvous about the whole "in front of the camera" thing... so I'll let y'all know how that goes.

I am still 15 pounds shy of "goal" but am okay with where I am.  If I make that goal... that'd be GGGRRREEEAAATTT  but if not, it's all good.  Manu Ganuh!