Who... me?

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63451.5

Today I hit the 80 pounds lost mark... which is really pretty hard to comprehend. Another hard thing to make fit in my head is that I am within 15 pounds of two people that I consider thin - what the hell is THAT? I still don't apply that term to myself. People will see me and say something like "hey, skinny" and I tell them I am thinnER, but not skinny. I have this concept in my mind of what skinny is (think Kate Moss or Calista Flockhart) and I'm certainly not that... nor do I aspire to be. So this is an interesting place to be... and interesting time of adjustment and discovery. We bought ourselves a Wii for Christmas, my daughter Erica bought us the Wii Fit Plus to go with it, and we've been having BIG fun with the exercises, and anyone who scoffs and muses "how strenuous could THAT be?" Don't you doubt it until you've tried it! It's fun, but can really kick your ass too! So here's to losing 80 pounds, and to getting more active :-)

Streaming...

Captainsblog - Stardate: 63424.9
I had my surgery on 6/3/09... two days after saying goodbye to my cousin Cindy. After a 3 year battle with ovarian cancer, she passed through the Western door at the age of 51. She walks now in another realm. Cindy and I were... no scratch that... ARE very very close. There are times when I feel her with me as truly as ever I did in her physical presence. One of the last things she said to me was "I'll always be with you Lindy." When I was admitted to the hospital of course they asked how I was doing and all that... I didn't tell them I was emotionally and spiritually devastated. I didn't want any of my medical team to think I was too unstable for the surgery or something. I am realizing now that buttoning up like that while necessary (in my opinion anyway) at the time, is not without repurcussions. Of course I grieved for Cindy in those first days, I mourned my loss, I cried and I wailed, I wrote and I raged right up until the morning of surgery, but then I had to just bottle it all up and put it away... at least until I came home. Once I was home, it hit me hard, my loss and the endless well of emotion related to her passing. Free streaming emotion... no download necessary.. just 24/7 access. Its been a little over six months now since we lost her, and there are times that I cannot make my brain REALLY comprehend that a world exists without Cindy's physical self in it. It hurts my heart... daily. At the most unpredictable times, it just wells up and bubbles over and leaves me as hollowed out as a jack-o-lantern. I find that the more weight that I lose, the more vulnerable I can feel at times. It is like the extra weight shielded me from the world in a sense. Now when stuff comes flying my way, there's less to deflect or absorb it... I have to deal with it (which is ultimately a good thing). Awareness of what we are dealing with, is the first step to dealing with it in a positive manner... so here's some baby steps.

Half-Birthday

Captainsblog - Stardate: 63389.2
Happy Half-Birthday to ME! Today is the 6 month anniversary of my surgery. Some of the things I have learned in this 6 months are as follows:

• 
• Going back to work after 2 weeks was probably a bit ambitious (but I survived)
  
• Sugar is the devil (it really IS)
  
• No matter what your brain and heart etc. may try to tell themselves, your stomach is the BOSS! Tummy aint happy... aint NOBODY happy!
• Never underestimate the importance of supportive family and friends!
• It feels really good, to FEEL good (to have energy and such)
• My bones are NOT bigger than that (I used to look at those height/weight charts and say "oh hell my BONES are bigger than that!")
  
• Portion control is EVERYTHING
  
• Each day is a series of conscious choices regarding food and nutrition, what to eat, how much, does this have enough protein, does it have too much sugar???? I can never just shove food into my face without thinking about those things.
• Hair loss sucks!
  
• When you crave something... find a way to make it work within your guidelines. Case in point... I've been jonesing for ginger snaps... by reading labels, I found one that was not too bad I could have like 3... but they were just okay, not "OMG that's what I'm talkin' about!" So I kept looking and found Anna's Ginger Thins. I have a little bit of Breyer's carb smart vanilla ice cream, and a few of those (only ONE tiny gram of sugar per cookie) and they truly taste like honest to goodness ginger snaps... "That's What I'm TALKIN' about!"

• That you are capable of much more than you may think!

Random, Party of One?

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63383.3

Random #1
I Stepped on the scale yesterday and had an epiphany. I actually weight LESS than what it says on my driver's license! Of course I've lied on my D.L for years upon years, at one point weighing about 70 pounds MORE than it said... but now I've shrunk past that static lie, and weigh less... how cool is THAT? When I reach goal I'll have to pony up the 5 bucks and get a new one where I can actually tell the TRUTH!

Random #2
SparkPeople Quiz: How Healthy is Your Relationship with Food? Interesting!

75 Pounds Gone, T minus 35 and counting...