Streaming...

Captainsblog - Stardate: 63424.9
I had my surgery on 6/3/09... two days after saying goodbye to my cousin Cindy. After a 3 year battle with ovarian cancer, she passed through the Western door at the age of 51. She walks now in another realm. Cindy and I were... no scratch that... ARE very very close. There are times when I feel her with me as truly as ever I did in her physical presence. One of the last things she said to me was "I'll always be with you Lindy." When I was admitted to the hospital of course they asked how I was doing and all that... I didn't tell them I was emotionally and spiritually devastated. I didn't want any of my medical team to think I was too unstable for the surgery or something. I am realizing now that buttoning up like that while necessary (in my opinion anyway) at the time, is not without repurcussions. Of course I grieved for Cindy in those first days, I mourned my loss, I cried and I wailed, I wrote and I raged right up until the morning of surgery, but then I had to just bottle it all up and put it away... at least until I came home. Once I was home, it hit me hard, my loss and the endless well of emotion related to her passing. Free streaming emotion... no download necessary.. just 24/7 access. Its been a little over six months now since we lost her, and there are times that I cannot make my brain REALLY comprehend that a world exists without Cindy's physical self in it. It hurts my heart... daily. At the most unpredictable times, it just wells up and bubbles over and leaves me as hollowed out as a jack-o-lantern. I find that the more weight that I lose, the more vulnerable I can feel at times. It is like the extra weight shielded me from the world in a sense. Now when stuff comes flying my way, there's less to deflect or absorb it... I have to deal with it (which is ultimately a good thing). Awareness of what we are dealing with, is the first step to dealing with it in a positive manner... so here's some baby steps.