Stress Eating

Captainsblog... Stardate: 64349.7

It's been a while since I've blogged, and a lot has happened since that last post.   Life took a very stressful turn in October.  The loss of my Grandson in childbirth threw me into a huge tailspin. It is hard to adequately describe those feelings. I feel helpless... my family is hurting and I can't make it better.  I just hurt... I mourn for those experiences we never got to share... those first steps, and first words and walking in the woods together.  I know that Kaiden is in a place with his Creator and his ancestors... but that doesn't keep from recognizing that the situation sucks!  I am blessed that I have such an amazingly supportive partner, family and circle of friends. Our church family has been a huge blessing as well.  But there are days... awash in pain and a feeling of helplessness I turn to my old friend - food -  for comfort.  Now I can't just go mow down a candy bar ... or down a milkshake (no matter how much I'd LIKE to)... that would just make me sick... but I do find myself munching when I don't need to.  Eating things like chex mix that while not the absolutely worst choice... its not a great one either. Eating not because I am hungry - eating because I am stressed... and that is a LONG established pattern.  So now...  I am examining those things and have refocused myself on getting lots of lean protein, and eating fruit for snacks and so forth and just not buying any of that filler crap that does not meet my nutritional needs.

Trying to pull it together...

Peace-out my peeps

A Whole Other Country

Captainsblog, Stardate: 64193.3

Okay so it's been 15 months since I began this journey, time to take stock.  So much has changed.  There are the obvious physical changes, but there are some not so obvious ones too. I never felt that I was a person who was downtrodden by their excess weight to the point of not engaging with society and being a hermit. However I do see that I am more confident as I move through this world now.  I think that some of that is because the physical reality of literally moving in this world is easier.  There were times before when went into a store for example, if the layout was not conducive to my navigating without fear of inadvertently knocking something over lets say, that I had to be much more deliberate about my movements in that environment.  That is not as much of an issue these days.  Also, I've always had (but certainly not always displayed) an attitude of "this is me, deal with it."  I did spend part of my life where wondering how I was being judged by someone due to my size, led me to keep that attitude in check. Other factors such as living with an oppressive person contributed to the manner in which I dealt with life.  Not these days... it's WYSIWYG all the way baby!  If someone doesn't like the person they see in me, that's pretty much their problem, I won't own that any more.  Some people may see that as smugness, but it is truly not. I call it integrity. I believe that how I am, the person I am inside, is who Creator made me to be, I make no apologies for that, and believe that to deny that person a space in the world, would be going against Creator's plan for me.  So yeah, that whole keeping quiet, squelching myself to avoid rocking someone ELSE'S boat... been there, done that, got the T-shirt (an XXXL).  Other factors certainly contributed to my former mode of being in this world, and I continue to process them... I am finding my way.    Here's the contrast pic du jour:

 

My daughter says when she sees the pic on the right she hears the song "I've Got a New AttiTUDE"... I guess that's about right.

As I walk my path today and look around.. the scenery looks so different, its like a whole other country!  What has not changed, is the love and support of my wonderful peeps.  My family and friends, are an incredibly gifted bunch of folks, who truly see people for who they are and do not judge folks on the superficial qualities that some folks do.  It is by walking alongside the people in my circle, that enables me to explore, and enjoy this world. 

Chii Migwetch to you all... you  KNOW who you are!

Size Matters, but WHY?

The media blatantly and unapologetically presents a very skewed image of health and beauty.  The average model is almost 6 feet tall and has a BMI of 17% or less.   According to health and wellness guidelines a person of that body composition is underweight to severely underweight, and yet in our society we are bombarded with messages that tell us this anorexic “ideal” is what happy and successful people look like. The media certainly influences body image and how it shapes us as individuals; peer influence, family expectations and ethnocultural norms also have significant impact on how we see ourselves.

I am a formerly obese person. I have been on a journey to improved health for sometime now.  Losing over 100 pounds has transformed my life in many ways, I’m healthier, I have more stamina and I more actively engaged in my life.  All of these things are wonderful! I have noticed something else though, something that is really pissing me off! As my weight loss progressed, somewhere along the line my cloaking device disengaged.  Imagine my surprise as I approach the entrance to Starbucks recently, and the door was opened for me. I should be thrilled right?  I’m not thrilled. I’m totally pissed!  Why is it, that now I am deserving of positive regard and common courtesy, when before my weight loss… for the most part, I was not?

Many people of size go through life unnoticed.  Imagine the pain of being on a bus, or in line at the grocery store and having people either avert their eyes, look at you with disdain, or worse take no notice of you whatsoever.  Being treated with disrespect is inappropriate and painful, but disregard is worse.  Disrespect is a form of acknowledgement, albeit negative. Disregard however is more damaging as it communicates that a person is not worthy of notice or acknowledgement of any kind. There is this perception that people of size are lazy, self-indulgent, and completely lacking in motivation.  What is worse is that people of size are routinely blamed for their weight-related challenges, regardless of their struggles to overcome them.

It’s not just a case of doors being opened; I no longer have experiences like this one:  Several years ago a friend and I were shopping for a bridal shower gift for a mutual friend. As we entered the lingerie store and had just begun to browse the merchandise a sales girl approached us.  Instead of the usual “may I help you” she greeted us with “oh, we don’t have anything in YOUR size here, you might want to go shop at the big girl store!” The sales girl stood with her arms folded and looked at us with clear disgust.  It was also clear that she wanted us to leave.  We were making her uncomfortable. We let her know how we felt about her customer service skills in no uncertain terms, and left the store. People of size have experiences like this on a daily basis. Airline seats, turnstiles, and restaurant seating present real challenges for people whose body conformation exceeds the allotted space.  Dealing with the accumulated pain of such encounters can cause a person to gradually disengage from the world. 

Although I have been on this journey toward improved health, I want to be quite clear that I do not feel that all people of size must transform themselves as I have.  My choice was just that… mine.  I made my choice for my own specific reasons, not so I could suddenly be regarded as worthy in the eyes of my fellow human beings.

As a society we need to challenge our perceptions of people of size. It starts by examining our own biases. Ask yourself “do I make weight based assumptions regarding a person’s character, intelligence, professional success, or health?” We need to identify and confront our own biases, develop empathy, and work to address the needs and concerns of people of size. 

Small changes can have such a great impact.  Look for changes that you can make.  Do you own a business? Create an open and welcoming environment with large, armless chairs in waiting rooms and common areas, which accommodate a variety of body sizes.  These friendly furnishings are also very handy for a person with an infant in a carrier or a person with mobility limitations. Make a point, to interact with all kinds of people, push your current boundaries. 

I want the world to treat me as a person first.  I am a person with gifts to share and contributions to make, a person with hopes and dreams, a person of worth. As a person of size, I wanted that too… just to be perceived as a human being, who contributes to our collective earthly experience and who is deserving of positive regard and common courtesy.  Doesn’t seem too much to ask.

Now THAT's a Switch

Captainsblog, Stardate: 64174.9

As most of you know, I spend a LOT of time with a camera in my hand.  It is a form of creative expression for me, and a form of solace. The fact that I also supplement my income as a portrait photographer does not take away from the joy that I experience with my camera. People ask me when looking at images I have created from trips etc, why I am not in them. I always say that I am MUCH more comfortable on the other side of the camera.  That is still true.  However, I have had some recent opportunities to be the subject as opposed to the photographer and it has helped me to see myself a little differently.  I still see myself as a larger type person... like when I shop for clothes, I gravitate to the "big girl" section first, and to blousier styles first.  It takes a bit of courage to try stuff on that is more fitted. I tried on a petite the other day and although it didnt really "work" for me... I had it ON... who knew?!  I'm taking part in a marketing campaign for my bariatric provider as one of their success stories.  There's a photo shoot tomorrow... I am a bit enrvous about the whole "in front of the camera" thing... so I'll let y'all know how that goes.

I am still 15 pounds shy of "goal" but am okay with where I am.  If I make that goal... that'd be GGGRRREEEAAATTT  but if not, it's all good.  Manu Ganuh!

 

Conquering Goals

Captainsblog: Stardate: 64060.7

I kicked another one of those second year goals this week.  I went to Warren Dunes (my favorite summer place) on Monday.  The first thing I did was to climb Tower Hill, I tackled it first because the sand was not 8 million degrees as it was still early.  I made it to the top! I didn't feel like I was going to die or puke or anything (always a bonus).  Okay so if you are not familiar, this is Tower Hill - which rises 263 feet above Lake Michigan.  It may not LOOK like a serious challenge, but believe me, it's not exactly a walk in the park either!  The last time I climbed Tower Hill was in 2002, I made it by sheer willpower and stubbornness, but I felt like my heart was going to explode and I had to rest MANY times going up, each time I almost went back down.  My Son was in Marine Corps boot camp at the time and I missed him greatly.  I took the kids to the dunes a lot as they were growing up.  So I made myself make it to the top and rested a long time before going back down. This time, it was so much easier and I actually enjoyed it!  It was such a hoot I actually PASSED teenagers, who were whining that they couldn't make it.  I told them "if this old lady can make it... so can you! The second image is from the TOP of tower Hill.  About a half an hour after this was taken, I was in the lake (heaven)!

I'm still cycling, still loving it!  Today we rode the Nickel Plate Trail, 20 miles round trip... it was a sweet ride!  Tomorrow I'm hitting the Pumpkinvine Trail.  I love riding the rail trails, the only time you have deal with cars is when the trail crosses a road.  So MUCH better than road riding!

Well I guess that's it for now... Peace out my peeps!

Well THAT was Fun!

Captainsblog - Stardate:64001.9

An update on those goals...

• Still cycling and loving it!   The last couple of weeks have been very busy, between helping with childcare for my Granddaughter, taking a much needed "staycation" and coming back to work to some very long days, I have not ridden as much as I would like, but every time I do it feels GREAT!  It is still hard for me to believe that I can ride for miles and miles and not feel like I am going to DIE!!!  I am looking forward to and planning more cycling adventures. I'd love to do a multi day ride at some point too!
• I've been to Warren Dunes and done a fair amount of swimming. And I have to say it is incredibly odd to swim without my long hair trailing around me - I always swam with it unfettered so it is a very different sensation, or lack thereof.  (I haven't mentioned the hair since May, but I miss it a lot. I love my short hair, but miss my long hair at the same time) Sooo back to the dunes... I have yet to conquer Tower Hill - I'd rather do that on a day the sand is not 120 degrees!
• Okay that running thing... I did that one day last week, just a short sprint and it went okay. I found that I CAN physically run.  I'm just not a fan. Too much of my loose stuff flopping around to suit me, and too much impact on my poor hips, but I did it!
• Have not wandered to Saugatuk to get reacquainted with Mt. Baldhead, or encountered a rock wall so those goals are in still waiting.

Can't think of anything else at present, so peace-out my peeps!

Hell on Wheels

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63951.3

One of my year 2 goals was to get a decent bike and start riding... working to longer distances. Well I've now got the bike, a Trek 7100 - its a hybrid, and I LOVE it! I had been doing some random riding around my community, jaunts of 5 - 8 miles, no biggie, and having fun with that.  Jen and I started investigating rail trails, and liked the idea.  So last weekend we rode the "Panhandle Pathway" from Winamac Indiana to Star City Indiana, just 9 miles round trip, but very nice.  I like the rail trails because you are not dodging traffic and they are mostly flat and very scenic.  Yesterday we decided to tackle part of the Kal-Haven Trail which runs from Kalamazoo Michigan to South Haven Michigan. We started in South Haven - went to Bloomingdale (the 1/2 way point) and then back to South Haven for a round trip of 33.87 miles.  I am thankful to my good friend Matt who has given us TONS of good advise, helped me select my bike and figured out what size I needed.  Matt also helped me select a good women's specific saddle (from the Body Geometry line of products by Specialized).  Would it be inappropriate to tell him that my butt thanks him???  That saddle made SUCH a difference.  We rode the 32+ miles and we made it, we were tired, but not "OMG I think I'm gunna die" tired. We are planning on doing a ride at the end of July that is 68 miles (one way).  In talking to Matt, he told us that when doing long, multi day rides, the worst part is getting back in the saddle as it were, on day 2.  So today we decided to hit the Pumpkin Vine Trail in Goshen Indiana (10.2 miles round trip) to see how we would do.  The first mile my butt was like "uh, NOOOOO, get me off of this thing right NOW"  and just above my knees were screaming "what the *&^%$ do you think you're DOING??"  But after another mile or 2, they loosened up and the ride was great. My 1st post on this blog that talked about riding a bike was when I was 8 weeks post op, not quite a year ago.  I was crowing that I had managed to ride 3 miles, and that was a great accomplishment given where I was.  I never would have DREAMED I could ride over 30 miles! It is an amazing feeling to be able to do that! So onward and upward, racking up miles to longer rides, in preparation for the ride to/from Yellow Springs (don't remember the other terminus of the trail we'll be riding).  I've got my wheels, and I'm givin it hell!

Peace out my peeps!

Celebrating My Re-Birth Day

Today I celebrate my re-birth day.  The new me was born one year ago today. The past year has been one of great change.  There have  obviously been physical changes, but so many others as well. HUGE changes in habits of mind in relationship to food.  I am not perfect and of course I have days that I want to eat in response to stress.  Sometimes I do succumb to that a little bit, but that is no longer my primary coping mechanism.  I characterize it that I now eat to live... as opposed to living to eat.  When I frame a celebration, of course food needs to be planned, but it is different for me now, as I don't have to worry that I'll over indulge on sweets and feel bad later... because I CAN'T go crazy on sweets or I'll be sick.  So it takes the pressure off in that sense.  

My perception of self is a work in progress. People say "hey there skinny" and I do not  know how to react.  I used to rebuff the comment telling them I'm not skinny etc.. but my teachings tell me that to refuse a gift (and a heartfelt compliment is certainly a gift) is to insult the giver... so I don't DO that any more.  I know that I am still overweight and one goal that I had was to no longer BE overweight... so I'm not sure how I balance this with people telling me that I don't need to lose any more.  I'm still working on knowing how to know when it is enough.

My level of physical activity has drastically changed too.  Some things are obvious, like the ability and DESIRE to ride a bike and walk for extended periods.  But others are not so obvious... like last night I was weeding in the garden and was hunkered over for some time before it occurred to me... "HEY, I can do this without feeling like I am asphyxiating myself!"(bending over for any amount of time reduced my air intake before I lost weight).  I can carry things and just help with physical things around the farm that I wasn't as involved in before because I was so winded.  This morning I was thinking I'd like to tackle the stairs at Mount Baldhead in Saugatuk/Douglas again and see how different the experience is from the last time I did that.  poor Jen thought I was going to collapse on the way up... seriously, I'm not exaggerating here, and I was also worried, but would not give up until I reached the top. 

I am creating a "year two list" of things I'd like to at least try sometime in this second year of my new life.  So here goes:

• Climb a rock wall
• Run - not necessarily do a running event, but just see if I can... you know... run!
• Get a good bike - and ride regularly... building up to longer distances
• Climb Mt. Baldhead
• Climb Tower Hill at Warren Dunes State Park

That's all I can think of off the top of my head.  I owe an immense debt of gratitude to the people on my support team:

• Creator 
• Jen
• My family: Kids, siblings, extended family
• My Circle of Friends
• The awesome folks at Team:Bariatrics
• Roseann

Peace out my peeps!
OH here's the count T minus 103 and counting...

The Formula

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63860.1

It's all contingent on a formula, this weight loss /  improved health thing. And here's the thing, it does NOT come in a pill... the super duper, new and improved weight loss fat burning formula product du jour... NOPE!  

The necessary components to the formula are all within YOU, all things over which YOU have influence: eating the right foods in the right amounts (duh), exercise (ditto), water consumption, and sleep.  If any one of those components is missing, or inadequate... weight loss.. yeah, aint gunna happen!  Let's look at these one at a time, shall we?  Now I am talking from my own post-bariatric perspective, keep that in mind.

• Food - must be the right KIND of food, for me, that means a whole LOT of protein.  Any non-protein food kind of robs me of protein, I've said it before, but I repeat this for MY benefit... I'm not perfect and I do want other stuff too, so this helps remind myself.  Also portion control is critical. Granted the surgery did a lot of that for me, but any post-op bariatric patient will tell you, you can eat too much - and it is unpleasant to say the least!  In my case, I also must supplement my food intake with vitamins, due to the malabsorptive nature of the procedure I had.  I am faithful about taking those.
• Exercise - I have found that if I am leveling off on my progress, exercise is probably the culprit.  Either not getting enough, or that I need to mix it up.  My body gets used to  whatever I am doing physically and I need to shake it up sometimes.  
• Water  Consumption - Sometimes I get bored with water... I want some FLAVOR... and I'm not a fan of many of the crystal lite flavors any more... I love TEA... so I drink a LOT of it (mostly decaf herbal teas).  I sometimes have to force myself to drink just... plain... water.  It messes with my progress, it messes with my body in so many ways... so yes WATER, WATER, WATER!
• Sleep - this is a tricky one for me.  I do have intermittent insomnia (not a surgical side effect, this has been with me a long time)... sometimes I just can't sleep, at other times I just don't go to bed soon enough, but wake up time is still the same. It is not uncommon for me to only get 4 or 5 hours sleep, and I KNOW that is not enough.  What I am finding out though is that if I deprive myself of sleep my progress slows/stops.  It's like my body is saying alright... we only have so many resources here kiddo, and if you're NOT going to recharge us, we're holding onto all resources... just... in... case!  

So these days I'm really TRYING to be mindful of the formula...  I came across the pic on the left recently and I think that was pretty close to my heaviest.  When I look at that, I am blown away at how far I have come.  I feel so much better, I have stamina, I look forward to physical activity and am enjoying life - manuganuh - it's all good!

Another Lesson Trying to Be Learned

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63824.3

It's all about the journey... right? So on the journey there's a LOT of scenery... valleys and mountains and even plateaus.  I made the mistake last week of saying I was on "the plateau from hell" to the wonderful person who is helping me sort some of my "stuff" out.  Her questions about why I would call it that... help me to examine my progress to this place where I am today.  Okay yes, I KNOW the erroneous height/weight charts are full of it... and down right evil.  I've lost... a LOT at this point (100 - 103 depending on the day).  My family, my friends, my counselor... tell me that even if I didn't lose another ounce, I am great.  Part of me is cool with that... part of me isn't.  I don't know if the notion of being labeled as "overweight" is what I'm hanging up on.  The evil H/W charts and even the blasted Wii... tell me that I am overweight.  And seriously... when in my recent history did I give a rat's ass about what other people think? That should apply to or a chart... or a piece of equipment conceived by people too! If I have leveled off... if I am going to be "stuck" at this weight... it that a huge problem?  

I am at at beautiful place... I am more active, I feel SO much better.  I am in control... not controlled BY food. So what could be the problem?  What do I have to do to convince MYself, that the charts are propagated by the insurance industry, and are indeed erroneous and evil?  I am not gaining back my weight... I have not "failed" I am not giving certain people the satisfaction of being right "everyone I ever knew who had that surgery gained it all back and then some" (biotch!).  I am doing just FINE!!!


I KNOW that a lesson is repeated until it is learned, so I'm trying like hell to figure this out...

See the picture... that is a BEAUTIFUL plateau in Australia called Uluru.. a place I hope to one day visit and feel the vibrations of the past.  I cannot imagine  more beautiful place... so why do I consider natural landform plateaus beautiful and my natural bodyform plateau not to be an equally beautiful place to be????

Time Flies...

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63802.3

Wow - today marks 11 months since surgery.  There have been so MANY changes, it's hard to know where to start!  

• Over the weekend I participated in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure.  I walked it, I'm not a runner, but I had fun, I finished and I didn't feel like I was going to keel over. I actually walked slower than my norm, to stay with some of my team mates.  So the ability to be more physically active, and have increased stamina - big change
• Totally different wardrobe.  I have a few pieces I can't bring my self to send to Goodwill, but the clothes I wear, are all different
• New daily patterns of activity.  There is more cooking going on and much less use of processed/prepared foods... very little fast food so we have to make our own stuff, which is way healthier anyway... just takes time to do that.  Also there are more physical activities in the daily pattern... more exercise... more physical interaction with the world.
• Different patterns of mind regarding food... I see a dessert and think, oh that looks good, but I don't think "I'm going to have some of that I'll "be good" tomorrow. I no longer define myself as being good or bad in terms of food like I used to.   I KNOW that eating more than a bite or 2 of whatever the temptation du jour is... will make me sick.  I don't want that to happen, so I'll either have that bite or two, or more often... just pass.  But the funny thing is I don't feel all depressed about it... I feel empowered, it was MY choice... not because some "diet" says I can't have it. 
• New hair (you didn't seriously think I would not talk about the hair... didja?).  I got it cut short-short yesterday, the mid length was too much work, and I'm not all about fussin' with my hair.  LOVE the new do, but am a little sad that all of my hair accoutrements (and I have a TON... and some way cool ones) will just gather dust... sigh

Time flies when you are transforming your life!

Protein Perils...

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63770.4

Well the war of the protein wages on. I've been MUCH more aware, going back to the basic dietary guidelines and that is a good thing.  I find that if I don't keep my protein levels up, I feel pretty crappy. But Monday of this week I had the worst bottoming out - CRASH to date. I got home, Jen was doing chores, so I went out to help her with that.  About half way up to the house, I started to feel light headed ( a sign I've waited too long). I hadn't eaten anything in hours. I came in the house and grabbed a protein bar, and was trying NOT to wolf it down. Jen came in and asked if I was okay, I shook my head, i was REAL dizzy and sweating like mad.  She made me a protein shake.  My intent was to finish the bar, and sip the shake while I watched Molly the Owl on her webcam (I'm a Molly addict). After a few minutes, I thought I'd be okay... but I went from being all sweaty and shaky to being cold and skaky. By the time  I finished the shake I was feeling a little better, but very VERY tired... so I just went to bed (at like 9:30 - unHEARD of for me).  I was still a little iffy yesterday... felt almost stomach flu-like. I woke up this morning feeling pretty crappy... so I canceled my appointments and stayed home. The lesson in all of this for me it to really REALLY stay on top of my protein levels and do NOT try to push through to get something accomplished... take the time and get some protein!  Well off to check on Molly & the kids then off to bed for ME! I'm STILL tired!

Peace out my peeps!

Protein Wars

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63709.5

Note: I thought of the "Captainsblog, Stardate" thing long before Sheldon Cooper did!

Protein, protein, protein.  It is SOOO important! I've known this from way before the surgery, it was imbedded in all of the pre-op education, and I have focused on it from the get-go.  However, it has gradually become less of a focus.  As I get further and further post-op... different foods have wandered back into my diet, such as more carbs.  Not necessarily BAD carbs, I'm not snarfing down sweets... not to worry my faithful friends... the consequences of THAT behavior would be dire indeed, and I know it!  But with restricted portions, any non-protein you consume kind of kicks a certain amount of protein out.  You can only put so much into the pouch after all!  So along with the traumatic effects of the surgery on my hair (didn't think I could NOT mention it, didja?)... my nails are showing signs as well, more brittleness and some ridges and peeling that I know to be signs of not enough protein. So, I have renewed my efforts to up the amount of protein, and I am keeping a food log, and keeping track of my protein grams on that as well.  Its an "in your face" way to see how I'm doing with protein day by day.  We have chickens so we have a bountiful supply of fresh, chem-free eggs.  I have gone back to the big 3, meat, cheese & eggs to give my protein levels a kick in the butt. I still supplement with protein bars (Pure Protein brand rocks at 20 G/bar and low levels of sugar)... but I'm being very deliberate about adding in protein foods as well.  I need to get the levels up to be healthy... but also so that my hair will GROW again!

Peace-Out!

A Tale of 2 Sweaters

I got the sweater on the right from my friend Chris, it was her fav, and quickly became mine. I got the one on the left a few weeks ago at Goodwill.  It is amazing to me that the same person wore both... or did she?

Upsides and Misc Ramblings...

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63662.3
 
 Some up sides in general:

• I can actually FIND nice clothes in my size at Goodwill (now my 1st stop when shopping). I got two VERY nice shirts for work for $5.00 (for both) this week *score*
• I can hike a 2.5 mile trail at the local state park in about 50 minutes, and not feel like I am going to collapse - I can actually ENJOY the walk.  That time included 2 short rest stops and several pauses for photo ops
• And you thought you had heard the last of the great hair loss saga from me... when I whacked off my hair... huh?  Everyone loves the new do... and it does make it look like I have more hair (how does that work, whack off like 18 inches and looks like MORE hair... what?)  Well I discovered there IS an upside to hair loss... the hair on my legs is like WAY sparse now... so less to shave (when I'm of a mind to do that).

Miscellanea:

I find myself not getting too creative on my food intake at times... there are things that I know work well... so I stick with them.  For example every morning my breakfast consists of a protein bar (Pure Protein Chocolate Deluxe) and a cup of herbal tea.  You might think OMG isn't that boring?  I prefer to frame it this way... in the morning when I'm just trying to get ready and get out of here, I don't have to think about it... I can autopilot through breakfast. I do need to get out there and explore some more recipes though for other meals.  Participating in the 60 day wellness challenge at Team Bariatrics will help me to do that (I'll be getting points for finding healthy recipes).

I have now lost about 88 pounds, people are asking me "do you plan on losing MORE... you look great right where you are?"  I'm still in the 170's so I'm not quite content with that. I'd be content about 13 pounds form now... anything beyond that... puts me in the bonus round - LOL!

The Pattern

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63644.3

My pattern has been:

Plateau

     Then lose some

Plateau

     Then lose some more

Plateau

     Then lose again...

While I am frustrated by each plateau... when I look at the overall pattern...

It's all good.

About 25 lbs to goal... but when I set that goal.. I didn't know I'd have at least 10 lbs of skin that would just be there, unless I have it removed, which isn't likely.  So I've got 2 goals... the pie in the sky goal (-25 from where I am) and the reality goal (-15 from where I am now).  I WILL reach the reality goal!  If I make the pie in the sky goal that's great, but I will NOT consider myself to be settling, or stopping short, or a failure if I don't make that one.

Keepin' it real my peeps!

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63636.3

Well I did it... ten years worth of hair growth... gone in a few snips.

And yes, they DID tell me I might experience "some thinning" but this was WAY beyond anything I had seen on anyone I knew who had the surgery. If before surgery they had told me, that I'd end up sacrificing my hair... I'd probably still have done it, but it sure would have given me pause.

Whoever said that it doesn't hurt to have your hair cut... never went through this.... There's a short haired woman lookin' back at me from the mirror!

85 lbs gone... just realized this minute that today is 9 months post-op.

Here's to regrowth and renewal...

Again... with the Hair

Captainsblog, Stardate:63630.8

Hello faithful readers... you're probably getting tired of my recurring lament on the state of my hair... but ya know this blog is all about processing what's on my mind... and my hair certainly is. If you're not up to speed on it... refer to posts from September and October 2009. Some thinning... okay fine, but holy crap this is ridiculous! I've got about 1/3 of the hair that I had before the great shed-a-thon. The first picture is of half of my remaining hair... that is to say I parted it behind my head, and pulled half to the front. The next one is of my hairline... or what is left of it (for comparison, look at the "titanium floor" post, the shedding had just begun). I have come to the conclusion that I'm going to have to DO something about this. It does not look like my hair anymore. So I am going to go see my niece the hair stylist on Wednesday and we'll see what happens. I am VERY picky about who I'll trust with my hair. This is not just a vanity piece for me (again... see September 09 post)... there are real reasons, valid reasons, significant reasons why I am loath to cut off my hair. If I do cut it... it won't be super short, but a huge change for me.

I have respected the spiritual significance of my hair, much as my ancestors... who only cut their hair in times of mourning. I am in a time of great introspection. Cutting back my outward extension... could contribute to that introspection. I'm praying hard on this (stop rolling your eyes, I pray about everything!) I am in mourning so it would be appropriate (and no, not just mourning for my hair) so if I do this thing, I'll do it in an honorable way...

Aho!

Go Pink!

Captainsblog, Stardate:63585.8

Many people in my life have been affected by breast cancer (and other cancers as well). I lost my Mom to breast cancer as well as Aunts and friends. I have 2 friends who are either undergoing treatment now, or are recovering from it. I am trying to increase my degree of physical fitness... so I have merged those interests together and am going to participate in the Susan g. Komen Race for the Cure in Mishawaka Indiana on May 1st. I've been training, increasing my activity and building stamina. I am part of an awesome team of Native American women and men, our families and friends. Follow the Pink Shawls link on the left, to learn more about our team, our effort and to support us if you are able . Training for this event has given me a focus and a goal that is not tied to losing a certain number of pounds. Doing this event has helped me to galvanize my intention and my efforts and is helping me to move forward. I know that this will be a very healing thing for our team! Go Pink Shawls!

The Plateau From Hell...

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63575.1 It's been a while since my last post... not much going on... at ALL. I know that plateaus are part of the process, but DAMN! I've been plateau'd for about a month. Funny thing is, this last month to 6 weeks I have been the most active time for me since my surgery. I am exercising on a regular basis at home, and have added walking to my workday. I joined the fitness facility at work, and have been walking on my lunch hour. I started out with a mile, and am up to 1.25 miles. I plan to add 1/4 mile every few days. My Wii still says I'm obese, which is less than helpful in the overall scheme of things. So this plateau WILL break, I know it... but I'm getting just the tiniest bit frustrated by it all.

I'm going to counseling to deal with past issues in a healthy way, so that I don't turn back to food and sabotage all of my hard work. I can report that those food/comfort habits are such conditioned responses in me. I've had some things come up that have made me really WANT to just eat n eat n eat. We've seen several passings in our family and circle of friends lately, and that makes it really hard... again, the need to comfort oneself is nearly overwhelming. I have been able to resist and redirect those urges but it's really HARD! Of course it does help that I can't eat certain things. Well I guess I CAN eat anything, it's just a matter of what consequences I am willing to pay. Well, I'm not willing to face the wrath of my digestive tract for the momentary "comfort" of eating a candy bar or something. It is easier to say no to the eat eat eat impulses when the objects of my craving aren't really available to me anyhow. Somehow stuffing carrots into my face, doesn't have the same soothing affect as chocolate might!

My hair is still retreating, but the thinning is slowing and I do see some new growth. I'm still bummed about that... knowing that it will literally be years before my hair is at my pre-op length... if it EVER gets there.

Still plugging away, and I do wonder from time to time, if anyone is out there reading this... but this writing is good for me, so I'll keep it up.

Peace Out!

Tea and Wii and RFTC - Oh MY!

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63502.2

You never stop learning on this journey! At 7 months Post-Op I was part of an informational seminar for people considering weight loss surgery. When Dr. Murphy was answering a question from a participant about drinking pop... I learned something that somehow... some WAY I missed in all the (extensive) pre-op education. Confession Time: I had been having a bit of diet decaf pop (diet orange, diet root beer) in the last month or so, not a ton, NOTHING like my previous consumption, but some. I knew we really were not supposed to, but thought it was in the general "it's not good for anybody" healthy choices terms. WELL Dr. Murphy enlightened us, what pop does... is it gets in your little pouch of a stomach.. and does it's fizzy fizzy thing... and actually will expand the size of your pouch. How did I MISS that??? Stretching the pouch is not a good thing... it increases the capacity of your pouch, rather defeating the purpose of the restrictive nature of the procedure. YIKES! I've not had pop since. I've been on a real tea kick of late anyhow... all kinds of herbal teas, spicy and mild and fruity and not... bring em on, I've rarely met a tea I didn't like. I even ordered a case of a particular favorite because it was difficult to impossible to find in the stores! So just say NO to pop, no diet, no caf, not decaf... pop is OUT! Tea... it's the new pop! I am continuing my daily regimen on the Wii fit Plus, I started a new strategy and set a daily calorie-burn goal instead of just time, so I am choosing activities on the Wii Fit that burn more calories, so that's a good thing! Also Jen and I set a fitness goal for ourselves. We are going to walk in the Susan G. Komen "Race for the Cure" event on May 1st, and are being joined by many of our friends, which is a fabulous thing! Peace out my peeps!

Wii Fit & Pizza!

Captainsblog, Stardate: 63471.4

After 7 months of NOT eating pizza... I've been kinda jonesing for it. Today we ordered a pizza. Thin crust (too much doughy crust would create HAVOC in my gut). I ate one slice, was satisfied and it was HEAVENLY! Tomorrow is the 7 month mark from surgery, I've lost somewhere around 82 pounds, I feel so much more energized! Things that used to be a real chore for me, just aren't anymore. For example: doing our daily animal chores entails carrying 5 gallon buckets of water, and carrying 50 lb bags of feed... and while awkward, these things don't make me winded anymore.

It was nice to hear so many compliments over the holidays from people who had not seen me for a while. My brother's "wow... I mean I'd seen pictures and you looked great but WOW!" was a highlight. I try to let them know that FEELING good and being healthier are my goals... the "looking good" stuff is a bonus of course. I feel good that I survived the holidays, I baked, I had a few nibbles of favorite stuff (like the pumpkin logs I made) but that was enough for me. I've continued to lose. We bought ourselves a Wii for Christmas, and my daughter bought us the Wii Fit Plus (Thank you Erica!)... we've been doing exercises via Wii fit every day and it's FUN! Anyone who poo-poos the idea that doing exercise on a Wii is REALLY exercise, obviously hasn't done it! I do yoga, step aerobics, balancing exercises, more traditional types of exercises with the Wii & it is GREAT!

So here's to a new year packed with fun and health and activity!